Shit My Dad Says

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?I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite...?

“I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite … Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it.”

Jan 2, 2013 Like

Shit My Dad Says

?Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So...?

“Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we’re just voting for king of the assholes.”

Nov 9, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s..."

“The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s legal don’t mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole.”

Sep 19, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit..."

“No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit smells like yours, doesn’t mean it’s not still shit.”

Aug 15, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit,..."

“No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit, I created you.”

Aug 15, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die,..."

“We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.”

Jun 5, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when..."

“No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit.”

Jun 4, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for..."

“No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for it.”

May 11, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."

“No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you.”

Apr 25, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit."

“You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.”

Apr 25, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re..."

“You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re already fucking bald. Don’t make me live in your fantasy land.”

Apr 16, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to..."

“Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it’s over.”

Feb 15, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to..."

“These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to fuck us.”

Jan 30, 2012 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s..."

“I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes.””

Dec 13, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re...

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”

Oct 24, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave..."

““There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last.””

Oct 14, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a..."

“Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a hooker pretend she’s out for a walk when cops drive by.”

Sep 19, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could..."

“You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it.”

Aug 19, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops..."

“He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn’t mean it’s not still a piece of shit.”

Jul 22, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the..."

“You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow.”

May 16, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever seen yourself walk up..."

“WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It’s like a T-rex that shit himself.”

Apr 7, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem..."

“So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that’s all he’s got on his fucking sandwich.”

Mar 14, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty romantic. I own a home and..."

“I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can’t say.”

Feb 16, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be...

No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby’s

Jan 28, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need is a bottle of..."

“No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls.”

Jan 3, 2011 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn’t..."

“Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn’t bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit.”

Dec 7, 2010 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice..."

“No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving.”

Nov 11, 2010 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one unless you can..."

“He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one unless you can pretend to like people while you’re fucking them.”

Oct 28, 2010 Like

Shit My Dad Says

"You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example:..."

“You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden.”

Oct 11, 2010 Like

Shit My Dad Says

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Shit My Dad Says

?I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite...?

?Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So...?

"The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s..."

"No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit..."

"No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit,..."

"We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die,..."

"No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when..."

"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for..."

"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."

"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit."

"You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re..."

"Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to..."

"These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to..."

"I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s..."

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re...

"There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave..."

"Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a..."

"You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could..."

"He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops..."

"You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the..."

"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever seen yourself walk up..."

"So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem..."

"I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty romantic. I own a home and..."

No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be...

"No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need is a bottle of..."

"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn’t..."

"No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice..."

"He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one unless you can..."

"You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example:..."

"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

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