Beauty for Ashes

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

There is a hidden fruit in this world – friendship.

You find friendship when you share your story without the fear of rejection. You find friendship when you finally say, “it is what it is, regardless of other’s opinions”.

This blog is my journal and my legacy to my family. When I wrote down what happened at the hospital on Thursday, I just wanted to write it out. I wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to remember – no matter what the future holds.

It felt healing to write down what happened, step by step.

And you came. You showed up in droves and told me that I was prayed for. I cried with you when you told me that you had also experienced miscarriage or pre-term labor or driving yourself to the ER.

You shared your story with me and strengthened me with every word.

Thank you. No really. Thank you. Your words and encouragement are priceless.

I’m doing fine. Since they were able to stop the labor without medicine, I’m able to continue all activities as normal – except for lifting or pushing. I really do feel OK. Each time I stand up I pause for a second and wonder if I’m feeling anything strange, but so far so good.

This world would have us think that we are very much alone if we don’t fit in certain categories. We may be “just a mom”. We may be “just the friend”. We may be “just the girl that sings backup”. We are not alone. You’ve reminded me that there is so much goodness and hope in this world that we really can find it. It is there. It exists.

One of my dear friends wrote that this sweet baby girl is “beauty for ashes”. That phrase stirred inside me. I had to look it up just to be sure I correctly remembered what it meant.

Beauty for Ashes is when purpose and meaning is brought to your suffering. From Isaiah 61:3 “to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”

Any suffering in this pregnancy at all, or my past miscarriages, is being met with a peace and beauty that can only be explained by His presence. Your encouragement, your prayers, and your tangible offers of help have brought joy and community to me.

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