Another Adventure Into My Head

Ugh, I had another panic attack.

The build (the trace beginnings of the attack) happened when I was depositing money at the ATM – the second day in a row, over $200.

“This is fantastic! This whole business venture just might work.”

I went home and stared at my accounting chart. Last week I was negative $359, and this week I’m positive $143. All my clients today, both new and existing, sounded interested in the membership program, and a new client rebooked for a couples massage next month. My employee’s are happy and hard working, my goal of reaching 60 members is daunting, but not unfathomable.

My employee has her first full paying client tomorrow – a returning client who specifically requested her. That puts $58 dollars in my pocket, but only $17 in hers. My morals are ping-ponging back and forth with wondering how fair this is.

“That’s highway robbery!” Versus, “I paid her $520 these past two weeks for having no clients. Putting $58 in my pocket doesn’t come close to closing that gap.”

“What if she gets four full priced clients a week? She’s going to start closing that gap and you’re going to profit off her.”

Versus,

“But isn’t that the whole point of having employee’s? This is what we agreed on. She agreed to this.”

Basically what my panic was all about, was my fear of success. Not just my fear of success, but vilifying my means of obtaining it. Is it right? Is it moral? If it’s so easy, something must be wrong with it.

I can literally feel a physical blockage. One that doesn’t believe, one that doubts its realism. With 60 memberships, I can stop taking new clients and only massage members. 60 memberships and my business will be stable enough to run on its own. 60 memberships and I can open a new location….etc.

Not to mention all those full paying clients – the one’s that I don’t personally have to massage.

Snowball effect. The hardest roll is the first one. The first 60 members…The first return clients….

If I had 60 members, I would be positive $843 this week in pure unadulterated spending money. But it’s not that easy, is it? Nothing can be that easy, right? If it’s so easy, why isn’t’ everyone doing it?

Another reason for my panic is due to imbibing tea, coffee, and my nicotine e cig. It’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep. My panic attack peaked around midnight, I drank a ton of water (I learned from experience that dehydration plays a huge role), and now I can’t stop going to the bathroom.

During my panic, I speculated that it might have something to do with having a PH imbalance. If our bodies are more acidic than alkaline, would that activate an emotional or mental imbalance as well?

I immediately bought PH strips on Amazon so I can test my urine and bought a book about alkaline diets.

What are you doing Mel, you’re crazy….

Shhhh, shhhhh…..I’m fine.

Then I decided I wanted to be a naturopathic physician and so I Googled how I can become one.

Eight years….med degree…..internships…. expensive schooling….not enough time in life, there’s never enough time.

I went back to thinking about my business. Wanting to put together an iMovie skit with me and my two employee’s acting to the theme of Charlie’s Angels. Whipping out our massage bottles like guns, talking on the phone to “Charlie”, all three of us posing at the end in that iconic, memorable stance.

“It’ll be perfect for YouTube, my website, Pinterest, Yelp, FaceBook! It’ll get us more likes and more notice!”

So many idea’s….stop idea’s….just…. stop…..

“I can do massage bombs! Ask clients to like me on Facebook and once a month I’ll send a Massage Bomb to one lucky liker for half-off their next massage!”

Brilliant. Brilliant.

I ran to the bathroom for the 15th time while trying not to disturb my brother and his girlfriend asleep on the fold out couch. I envisioned what that conversation would be like.

My brother – “What’s wrong with you? Why are you going to the bathroom so much?”

Me – “I had a panic attack so I drank a lot of water.”

Zugzwang. The only viable move is no move.

Nothing seems viable. Nothing seems real – all is too fantastic – too grandiose. Too perfect. Shall I not make a move? Or should I go on ahead? Continue down this unknown path?

There is indeed a fear of success. It demonizes you, demoralizes you, shreds your conscience into oblivion. The only thing that makes sense, the only way to earn it, to deserve it, is to work hard – extremely hard! That’s the only way I can eliminate the fear. That black void, the plague, the plaque that corrodes my selfless fibers.

Work hard until I resurface once again at the beginning. It’ll just be one big cycle, a loop of never-ending hard work and struggle all because I don’t believe it can be that easy. If it’s so easy, why isn’t everybody doing it?