Thoughts 07: Embracing Uncertainty & Fear

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.

- Ursula K. Le Guin

"We have to let you go." I sat frozen. Unable to digest what my boss just said. My firm was downsizing and my job, my life line, my security blanket for the past 6 years, was suddenly yanked from my grip just a few days ago.

I spoke little of my job here on the blog. Because it was a means to an end. It paid my bills and provided for me and my husband while he began a commission-only business in commercial real estate. Timing couldn't be worse. I'm still supporting my love. We're still trying to start a family with costly fertility treatments. I have 4 trips booked to LA as a bridesmaid this summer. How on earth will we both survive off one person's unemployment check? That is a great question. One I'd love to know the answer to.

Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of not knowing.

- Mark Z. Danielewski

Fear is an fascinating emotion. I can let it paralyze, and push me into another cushy 9-5 in the same industry. Or I can let it catapult, and throw me into a new and freeing space of self-employment. Which is, as you know, my ultimate goal. My whole life, I've chosen the safe road. And although I still hesitate to say it, I think I'm finally brave enough to face uncertainty head on. I have the strongest urge to follow my intuition and step into the unknown. For I've been told that it is in these periods of discomfort that life's most important adventures can arise.

There is a fear that keeps us alive. And a fear that keeps us from living.

- Rusty Wells

Worry will surface, no doubt. But I have to remind myself that every time I use the present to stress about the future, I'm choosing to sacrifice joy today to mourn joy I might not have tomorrow. That's no way to live. It's going to require a whole lot of courage, faith and trust that we'll be taken care of. That we'll find a way through this uncomfortable mess. That when we allow scary situations to be, when we let go of old comforts and allow space for uncertainty, we make room for magical opportunities to appear.

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.

- Rabindranath Tagore

I don't know what will happen in the next 6 months. I haven't made any hard decisions. And I promise to keep all options open. But I do know that today, in this very moment, I feel strangely hopeful. Determined. And free.