It’s Been Emoji-nal

Last night I dreamt I was the best-selling author of the only Emoji Dictionary. That’s how much of a modern gal I am.

On waking, I was dismayed to realise it was in fact all a fantasy knocked up by my subconscious, but honestly, if there isn’t already such a thing, why can’t I be the one to make it come to fruition?

COPYRIGHT©!!!

I bloody love an emoji, or emoticon as some people who aren’t me call it. Why spend an age trying to find the words when a steaming (smiling) pile of shit can do it for me? Love something? Heart eyes! Feeling sick? DEAD FACE. The list of lazy, one image answers to every life question is endless and no, I’m not even sorry about that.

Which is weird as I am not a lover, on the other hand, of the abbreviation. Unless used in the very loosest, ironic sense. Confusing this whole techno no-no, yes-no; I don’t even know malarkey, isn’t it?

Anyway, since it is Sunday and I am kicking my heels until it is time to go to my BFF’s to watch Love Actually, I thought I would share an exert from the soon to be global phenomenon that is the Emojionary. You like?

Here are a few of my favourites (and most used):

Heart Eyes – As previously mentioned, this is the “Omigod I LOVE it” shortcut. Designed for fashion items and beauty products of exceptional interest, Heart Eyes is also the best way to make it known that your friends are cute little buggers who are like, totes adorable.

Mr Poo – I hate toilet humour most of the time, certainly of the fecal or

vomity variety but on a few occasions, there is nothing more poetic than this little guy. He’s so content and comfortable in his own skin (?).

Nailz did – Well, of course this is overused in my world. In answer to “What are you doing tonight?”, it’s a must. Also to sign off on conversations where you have agreed to do someone’s nails. It’s like a little business stamp, but pretty.

Autumn Leaves – I just love it when the Season changes from Indian Summer (when we’re lucky) into Autumn. This is when these little scamps come into play. “Would you like to go for an Autumny stroll and then have hot chocolate?” calls for the holy trinity.

Kissy Face/Winky Kissy Face – What better way to share your adoration for your loved ones that Kissy Face? Activate the winky one if you’re feeling particularly amorous/cheeky.

Pizza and/or all other fast food related emojis – Hands down my

favourite emoji action comes from the foodie ones. The fruits are up there with the best of them, as they make a message light up like Carmen Miranda’s g-string; but the burgers and fries and pizzas are truly magical. Usually used to illustrate the perfect Friday night in, these emoji bad boys are probably used with the most relish (Geddit?!).

Rictus Grin – For when you suspect you’ve gone too far and have to frantically pull it back. Otherwise known as dressing up an insult/criticism as a joke.

Applause – For when someone has been a clever little sausage, or has

said something really cool. Though, there is a dark side to the Applause emoji: the slow clap, which is not a compliment and is overused in messages to stupid people. Beware.

True Love Heart – Self-explanatory and reserved only for your very

bestests.

Patting Hair Woman – I hear this woman is an Information Desk Clerk of some description, which I don’t see at all. To me she is patting her helmet hair sassily, having just owned someone like a BOSS.

Muscular Arm (which could be a chicken drumstick) – I always feel it

appropriate to use this when talking about something that means a lot to me. See feminism, gay rights, anything like that. It signifies strength and I like that it isn’t gender specific. It could do with a whopping great tattoo on it though, but that’s my personal preference.

Which leads me into a rant about the emojis we don’t yet have. I mean come on Emoji Makers of the World, really no unicorn?

I propose the following as soon as possible:

Unicorn (as mentioned)
Mermaid
Cup of tea
Tea pot
Beardy man
Tattoo and/or tattooed person
Two hands making the universal heart shape
A finger flipping the bird
A willy (everybody needs a penis every once in a while to convey how their boss is behaving, right?)
A hand holding a cigarette in a cigarette holder (for an old school glamour injection)

Which ones are your favourites? And are there any emojis you’d like to see? Perhaps I can put a word in for you with the EMOTW when I meet them.