Birthday

(2 days late because they haven't been napping and I was so tired I couldn't think straight.)

Devin’s birthday was okay in general, but hard for me because the girls decided to nap strike and not let me have a few minutes to myself. I really just wanted to hunker down, go through his scrapbook and feel miserable for a while. I didn’t get the chance. Kate was feeding off my mood and was whiny and demanding. It was just sucky all around. We went out to dinner which turned out well… good food, time out of the house, and the girls were fabulous.

5 years. That seems like an awfully long time. He’d be starting kindergarten this year. I really can’t picture having a tall, lanky 5 year old running around my house, I just can’t. I feel like each year that goes by I get more out of touch with who he would be. I still picture him as an infant in my arms, a little boy with dinosaurs on his sleeper. I could picture him crawling and walking, saying his first words. But now… now it’s so wispy, some dream I had 5 years ago that never came true.

I am sad, but not in a heart-breaking, sobbing kind of way. Just kind of emotionally achy, the way your body feels when you’ve had the flu. Everything is a little tender, a little shadowed. I’m glad the pain doesn’t feel sharp anymore.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. We love you.