Covers From Days Of Yore: Things Are Blazing, Do You Understand?
by SB Sarah
I received the following email from Lauren, and lo, it was a beautiful day that day, and every day since.
So I was wandering around the book section of a op shop (charity shop) and a bunch of old categories caught my eye. of course, I immediately thought of the bitchery, and thought they'd probably appreciate some old school Australian Harlequin covers (and one silhouette).
OH YES WE DO INDEED APPRECIATE. Come, appreciate with us! (And keep reading because after the covers IT GETS EVEN BETTER.)
Australia, I'm jealous of your book covers, but I think you knew that.
Sarah: I'm mildly alarmed by the close proximity of the reindeer, and I'm somewhat cautious about her expression, but I am flat out terrified of his sideburns.
Carrie: Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast...Seriously, he's totally the Disney version of the Beast! Look at the hair!
Amanda: Well, mistletoe can be poisonous and some people can have mono. Or there are just gross kissers out there. So the answer is everyone. Everyone should be afraid of mistletoe.
Elyse: Mullet and Cosby sweater jokes aside, those kids look they have some sinister plans for that couple.
RedHeadedGirl: If you are wearing a pink fleeece bow headband, you are plotting shit. It's a rule.
Sarah: The border between "friends" and "something else" is crossed when, and only when, he tells everyone what hair product he uses. I'm betting it's
Carrie: They look both passionate and uncomfortable. His neck is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Amanda: He's actually dead and she's propping his head up, Weekend at Bernie's style. The flower in her hair is to diguise the decomp smell.
RedHeadedGirl: I want to discuss the purple sweater in the lower right hand corner. Why.
Elyse: I swear that's Michael Bolton. Also his head is contorted at a really weird angle. It looks like he's trying to pull away and she's dragging him down to kiss her. "Yes Bolton! You WILL be mine!"
And now it's time for the magic. Why? Because this is the American cover:
So, it's a blouse. A yellow blouse, but a blouse nonetheless.
But the Australian cover, oooooh, no. That's different:
Sarah: Frosted mullet. Frosted Mullet. This is NOT A DRILL. FROSTED MULLET!
Carrie: Yes, the mullet is magic, but what about the delight that is her distracted facial expression in the Yellow Blouse version? She looks like she's in a clinch with the guy her parents set he up with but - look over there! Just past his shoulder! It's a poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks, who is also a vampire, and also from a different religion and possibly her lost twin! And he's a hottie! Forbidden Passion Powers Activate!
Amanda: One of them is a Real Doll, but I'm not telling you which one it is.
Elyse: They look like mannequins. Like this is a romance novel about two mannequins from the opposite side of the mall who fell in love.
RedHeadedGirl: Someone write that. Now. Please. Santa, I have been ever so good.
Sarah: But here is the best part. Lauren read Forbidden Passion, and it's fantastic.
I started reading Forbidden Passion (of the aforementioned crazy covers) the other night when I couldn't sleep and holy moly! The sauce, it is crazy.
I'm now reading it with post-its in hand; it is everything I hoped and feared old skool Mills and Boon would provide.
I actually turned the page to read "chapter 2" and thought, "Holy shit! that was only one chapter?"
As far as I can tell this far, our heroine, Diana, is a movie starlet who is just turning 24. In fact, the book opens on her 24th birthday (and one of the comments by an older character is "twenty-four, and you still look so young!", errr, since when was 24 old?").
On this auspicious occasion, she receives a surprise phone call from Conor, her ex-husband who is tall, dark and handsome (of course), Irish (of course), ex-SAS (duh) and the director of Diana's new movies (I mean really, what else would you expect?).
This book is all over the shop. I'm not sure if they're supposed to be a couple in a love/hate relationship or just a hate/hate relationship. And it almost seems like the hero's eyes can only "blaze".
A real excerpt from the book (I shit you not)
'Eventually, the doorbell rang. Diana went to answer it, expecting room service with her tea as she opened the door, and her mouth was curved in a charming smile as she looked up into blue, blazing eyes.
"My love!" Conor bit out, blue eyes blazing' (p16)
Additionally, Diana has a "guardian" who has the same surname as her, but who isn't introduced as her "aunt" or "sister" or "grandmother" or anything, just her guardian. Because although apparently 24 is "old" you still need a guardian?!
Keep in mind, I'm only halfway through chapter 2.
I had to share it with someone - the SO has specifically asked me to leave him to his studies currently, which I felt I should honor.
I'll email you with the rest of the crazy when I've finished it. (It hasn't gotten any better - in that they're filming a movie and there is an actual unicorn on the set).
I don't know if I can possibly contain my joy. Not only does the cover serve up the sauce that is matched by the content of the book, but they are filming a movie, and there is an actual unicorn on the set.
I have to go lie down now.
Redheadedgirl:
