Cover Snark: Winter Weather Inappropriate
Sarah: She's thinking, "No, sir, I will not accept your call. You don't dress appropriately for snow. I certainly don't trust you with my future."
This cover seriously baffles me. She's got a coat and gloves AND a fur muff, and he's all, "Cold doesn't bother me. I traipse about the English countryside with my shirt undone. How else would you know this isn't an inspirational romance? Wait...this isn't, is it? Am I in the wrong book cover?"
Amanda: That is a conveniently placed muff. And the hero's pants make him seem like a Ken doll. What does a girl have to do get a bulge around here?!
Sarah: But you know, this isn't the first hero on a cover who has no winter weather apparel sense. If the hero above wants to be taken seriously as a winter warrior, though, he needs to take lessons from this guy:
The stepback to The Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas is hands down my favorite winter weather WTF cover. Other heroes must bow their heads in shame at this guy. He grabs her ass while wearing a cape. In the snow. That's it. Cape, pants and boots. Poor Evie barefoot in her nightgown is one thing, but at least she has a fur rug to kneel on. Sebastian feels NO COLD, and there are NIPPLES EVERYWHERE.
Elyse: is this why aristocrats had valets? Chalmers takes a day off and Sebastian forgets a shirt?
Amanda: His hand is a different color than his arm, so maybe he's going shirtless to get a nice, even base.
Sarah: But wait, there are more. For further heroic weather inappropriateness, we turn to our Wisconsin Winter Correspondent, Elyse:
Elyse: Now to be fair, I'm not sure if that's snow or sea spray but I bet it's fucking cold.
Sarah: When you first sent that cover over, I thought his kilt was sparkling and I nearly fell off my chair in excitement.
Redheadedgirl: Look, we know from watching Outlander that Scottish wool is serious business. You don't NEED more than a kilt. Not if you have winterized your abs.
Amanda: If that kilt doesn't keep him warm, those eyebrows will.
But wait! There are winter heroines!!
Elyse: What is this thing I'm stepping in?! I bet having frost bitten toes amputated in olden times sucked.
Sarah: That looks like advanced hypothermia, the stage where she thinks she's boiling hot and starts taking off her clothes. Except for the close-to-death part of that symptom, I can picture a few romance heroes lifting their heads, like, Is that my cue? Hang on! Be right there!
Redheadedgirl: I have serious questions about the era and provenance of her dress. Many questions.
Amanda: It's like she's doing that thing where you test the water's tempoerature by dipping your toes into it. But this is snow. And in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. I hope someone finds her and gives her some proper footwear.
Elyse: If there was a dude with a matching bow tie and cummerbund, this could be a legit prom in WI photo.
Sarah: Are there red heels that are snow and waterproof because if so I NEED SOME. IMMEDIATELY.
Amanda: I suppose red heels are better than no shoes at all. Or maybe she's hiding a pair of snowshoes under that bench for the trek back to her manor. One could hope.
Elyse: She's singing Let It Go right before she dies of hypothermia.
Sarah: See? Taking off her clothes because her body has lost all concept of its actual temperature. Either that, or the hills are about to be alive with the sound of something or other because she's about to get it on with yeti.
Redheadedgirl: I read that book and there's a Norsewoman with velvet gowns and I just can't. I'm doing this wrong.
Amanda: That cape reminds me of:
Sarah: But wait! A challenger appears! Sebastian Cape Vincent from Devil in Winter faces the full illustration for Donna Fletcher's Loved By a Warrior:
Shirtless in the snow, wearing a kilt? Not bad. But check out the full illustration by artist Victor Gadino:
Elyse: I like that she remembered her ankle bracelet but forgot, you know, shoes.
Sarah: Is it wrong that I want to see this guy face off in an actual duel with Sebastian? Like, a winter weather dance off? With kilts and capes? Anyone with me there?
Amanda: Listen, as a Floridian now living in Boston, I left my house in a dress, tights, boots, sweater, and double-lined North Face jacket today. It was 39 degrees that morning with a high of 57. I would never survive as a winter heroine because I would be ripping the plaid off this man's body and covering every inch of my exposed skin with it.
Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition), General Bitching
