Reflections on Photos
This year we spent Thanksgiving with Uncle Glen and Aunt Terri. They had worked frantically on their home preparing for the wedding in October and said they wanted to host the family while it was still clean. ;o) Because we came as a package deal with Nana and Pop, we all headed there.
When we arrived, Aunt Terri prepared me by saying they had hung a photo of Hannah at the front of the house, and didn't want me to be shocked by it. I appreciated her sensitivity, but wasn't surprised. She lost her 17 year old sister in 1977 so she knows.
She said they only just hung it, that they hadn't been ready to put it up until just before the wedding. I absolutely get that. She said Han had been hanging out in a copy of Fancy Nancy until the time felt right, and I can appreciate that too.
This was not a photo of my darling Monkey-girl that I remembered. It was so strange and odd to see a "new" photo after so long. Terri's mother was with me when I saw it. She stood there next to me and just listened as I tried to explain what was in my heart.
When we arrived, Aunt Terri prepared me by saying they had hung a photo of Hannah at the front of the house, and didn't want me to be shocked by it. I appreciated her sensitivity, but wasn't surprised. She lost her 17 year old sister in 1977 so she knows.
She said they only just hung it, that they hadn't been ready to put it up until just before the wedding. I absolutely get that. She said Han had been hanging out in a copy of Fancy Nancy until the time felt right, and I can appreciate that too.
This was not a photo of my darling Monkey-girl that I remembered. It was so strange and odd to see a "new" photo after so long. Terri's mother was with me when I saw it. She stood there next to me and just listened as I tried to explain what was in my heart.
I knew the photo was one Beth had taken in 2006 when Ella had just turned two. I knew I had a CD somewhere in my house, but I didn't know if I could look for this photo. My husband is a trouper, and pored over the photos until he found this one.
I had forgotten...
...how beautiful she was.
...how full her sweet little face was.
...how sweet her eyes were.
...the beauty mark just there. (I knew it was there, and the one by her eyebrow on her right eye, and yet, not precisely there...)
...what she looked like at four.
...that grief can sometimes come from nowhere and smack you upside the head--HARD.
Time passes and pain eases and you can breathe. It's a beautiful thing, that release from the constant nagging pain. But, with it comes something that's just as painful in its own way--the loss of memories. B and I spoke today about how there's this guilt now, that we're not constantly grieving as we once did.
Seeing "new" photos triggers those memories and eases the guilt. But, it brings with it a wave of sorrow and grief anew, as you're once more reminded of all you're missing. Before too long, Ellie will pass Hannah in age as well. It's a few years off, but there on the horizon nonetheless.
Hannah was almost five in those photos--one month away. Ellie is quickly approaching that age.
:sigh:
******************************
In other news, Thanksgiving was quite lovely as well. :o)
I had forgotten...
...how beautiful she was.
...how full her sweet little face was.
...how sweet her eyes were.
...the beauty mark just there. (I knew it was there, and the one by her eyebrow on her right eye, and yet, not precisely there...)
...what she looked like at four.
...that grief can sometimes come from nowhere and smack you upside the head--HARD.
Time passes and pain eases and you can breathe. It's a beautiful thing, that release from the constant nagging pain. But, with it comes something that's just as painful in its own way--the loss of memories. B and I spoke today about how there's this guilt now, that we're not constantly grieving as we once did.
Seeing "new" photos triggers those memories and eases the guilt. But, it brings with it a wave of sorrow and grief anew, as you're once more reminded of all you're missing. Before too long, Ellie will pass Hannah in age as well. It's a few years off, but there on the horizon nonetheless.
Hannah was almost five in those photos--one month away. Ellie is quickly approaching that age.
:sigh:
******************************
In other news, Thanksgiving was quite lovely as well. :o)
My girls have played for three days now without a bit of fighting between them. This was yesterday morning tucked away in Lil's closet. :oP
This morning they were playing boardgames when I got up. :o)
This morning they were playing boardgames when I got up. :o)
For some reason B and Derek started swinging the kids by their arms and feet and then others started climbing on. It was hillarious!
Kels had a friend home from college and she fit right in. You know us, we love everyone until they give us reason not to. ;o)
I still miss Hannah in photos like this...
I still miss Hannah in photos like this...
And, for today. We decided to forgo cutting our own when we saw Lowe's had a lovely selection. I picked up LED lights this year, but not as many as I have done on my trees in the past. I'm a little uncertain how to light a tree without overdoing it...:oS That's my preferred style, after all...
Yes, we've had a prelit tree for the past few years so I'm used to the soft glow of fewer lights, and I know the LEDs will burn brighter, but it's going to be an experiment...
Yes, we've had a prelit tree for the past few years so I'm used to the soft glow of fewer lights, and I know the LEDs will burn brighter, but it's going to be an experiment...
And finally, Fisbee and Jovy (Bean named her, as it was determined she must be her elf) reappeared last night. :o)
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