5 Ways to Avoid Boob Sweat, Swamp Ass During the Heat Wave
As much of the continent can agree, this past week has been very challenging in the wardrobe department. We're in the midst of the largest heat wave of the summer: almost every state in the U.S. had temperatures topping 32 degrees (fine, 90 -- but I am always going to use the metric system because the rest of the planet does and I think America just needs to get on board and also, Fahrenheit is hard to spell). For us in the Northeast, where humidity has been higher than Amanda Bynes at the Ritz Carlton, the suffering seems to be worst of all. It's sweaty.
I'm talking rainforest sweaty. I'm talking swamp sweaty. (Jackie Moon, anyone?)
I found this heat wave particularly difficult because on top of swassy temperatures, last week was my first at my new job and dressing like an adult in corporate America is no easy feat when you're accustomed to wearing mini skirts up to your crotch and a drop crotches down to your knees. (Side note: I did wear drop crotch pants this week. Twice.)
Through trial and error (so much error) I learned some valuable lessons about what not to wear in the middle of a heat wave to avoid embarrassment and attempt comfort.
1. DON'T wear suede ankle boots without socks.
I did this. I was that person who thought that suede ankle boots (without socks, to add insult to injury of course) in the middle of a July heat wave, were a good idea. "I'm going to be at work indoors all day, it will be fine," I stupidly thought. Well it wasn't fine after work when I decided to walk up Fifth Avenue in the blazing sun to go peruse the sale at Zara before meeting friends for food and drinks. It's a good thing I had a pair of Havaianas in my ergonomically-ignorant work bag to slip on after as I sat outside the resto waiting for friends. The table of Wolfs of Wall Street stopped making eyes once they saw me unzip suede boots and almost knock the table over with the sheer force needed to release the beasts and create a pungent breeze.
DO opt a shoe with dissociative identity disorder instead, like a slingback pump, or a sandal-bootie.
Left: Tibi slingback pumps. Right: Messeca New York cutout booties.
2. DO go braless. Seriously. Unhook that boob jail and take those sweater puppies off-leash.
Have you ever seen what a nude bra looks like after being worn in a heat wave? Of course you have. It gets as two-toned as an Oreo cookie with horrific sweat stains. Save yourself the trouble and extra coinage of dealing with a delicate cycle or god forbid, a hand wash, and just go without. Worried about nipples? Please. It's one-hundred-f*cking-degrees outside.
Ok fine, you can't go full-Rihanna.
Try wearing a bralette instead, like this one from Victoria's Secret. I stuff myself into one of these all the time because they're actually supportive, breathe well, and are very comfortable.
Big boobed girls, beware: don't take my word for it. If you need real support, I (for obvious reasons) have no idea what I'm talking about, so try one on in-store and make sure it works for you. And also, f*ck you and your "problems." (Just kidding.)
Victoria's Secret PINK lace bralette. (Free People makes a good one too.)
3. DON'T wear silk. Silk is a bad choice.
On one of my commutes home from work this week, I stepped into every New Yorker's worst nightmare: a subway car without air-conditioning. In rush hour. With sardine-like standing room only. I took issue with this, naturally, because I don't like being so close to people where I am inhaling the carbon dioxide rushing out of their nostrils, and also, I'd prefer not to have the human sweat of a hundred strangers all over me. So I got off one stop before mine and decided to walk because heat wave or not, I had to get out of there.
It was a four-block walk. That's it. But by the time I arrived at my apartment, I was drenched. And wearing a silk blouse, so of course, completely see-through.
Aside from the fact that this blouse is now out of commission until my dry-cleaner performs an exorcism, the situation became worse when I finally met one of my neighbors. I've been in this building for months and I've never seen any of them -- it's very, very quiet. But of course, when my hair, face, and entire outfit are drenched in sweat, I meet one, who also happens to be the super's son. Excellent. As we chatted in the elevator, I could feel the beads of sweat running down my face. Bless his soul, he lives on the third floor, so it was a short ride. But as he got out of the elevator he said, "Nice to meet you," and stuck out his hand for a handshake. "I'm sorry, I'm really sweaty," I said, refusing his hand. He said "ew." At least I'm pretty sure I did. (I couldn't hear him over my own verbal diarrhea/asshattery.)
The point of this story is to revert back to what I said before: silk is a bad choice. Wear a light, cotton tank top instead, and toss on a cardigan or blazer when you're at work. I like these ones from Zara. They're nice and inexpensive -- so much so that if you sweat through it and ruin it, replacing it will be... no sweat. *Ba doom chhh.*
Zara acid wash tank top. Splendid also makes a good one, and for more buck for your bang, you can't go wrong with T by Alexander Wang.
4. DO lighten your load on your face.
No innuendo intended, sickos. (But I am seriously interested in how many people ended up on this site by googling something gross.) I'm sorry but I'm talking about makeup.
There were a few hot days where I looked like a hot mess and/or a melting Ke$ha figure from Madame Tussaud's -- with a breakout. With a hint of a summer tan less makeup is easy anyway, so there's no better time than the present to give your skin a break. Instead of wearing the usual amount I need to make myself look less like the Walking Dead, I started simplifying by wearing just a small about of BB Cream and a light dusting of bronzer. As soon as I lightened up, my face looked less like a pepperoni pizza and more like... well, a face instead of an Italian delicacy, so chalk it up as a victory and give it a try.
Left: Smashbox Cosmetics BB cream. Right: Smashbox Cosmetics hydrating bronzer.
5. DON'T leave your house without an umbrella.
If you're not winning wet t-shirt contests with the gallon of sweat you're wearing, there's always the chance that the weather is going to break and you'll get stuck in a downpour. Sure, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and you're rainforest sweaty (yes, I'm talking swamp sweaty) but don't be fooled: the weather could break at any minute once the relative humidity reaches 100 percent and the temperature hits the dew point. (So I paid attention in high school science, whatever.)
I learned this lesson by leaving my apartment to walk to meet my roommate in Soho when I got caught in a downpour, popped into a Duane Reade (fine, it was worse: a Ricky's) to purchase an umbrella. The rain stopped just minutes later. Do you know how much money you can end up wasting like this, and on unnecessary and poor quality rain gear? Keep a small umbrella in your bag instead.
Related Video: Don't make me say "rainforest sweaty" one more time.
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