Learning to Love My Imperfect Self
Today we're continuing our series on Strength through Vulnerability that that I introduced on Monday. Let's welcome, Woman of Colour's first guest blogger ever, Analise Kandasammy *applause*
When Patricia first told me this year’s theme for the blog would be ‘Strength Through Vulnerability’ I immediately said ‘Yes! What a great theme! Girlllll, my life is vulnerability and shame! Of course I can contribute. Don’t you just LOVE
Brene Brown?!?’
Thirty minutes after our brainstorming session, I felt knots in my stomach. I’m pretty sure my week long migraine was brought on by this agreement. I was terrified.
I am going to be contributing to a blog series on what it is like to be imperfect, to be rejected and to somehow be ok with being vulnerable with your emotions. My inner 14 year old had a tantrum.
Armed with anxiety (and no Zynax), I messaged my close friend and started rattling off that I couldn't believe I'd just agreed to this blog and that I couldn’t possibly back down now! This is all part of my growth experience, of being a relatable writer, of really exploring a much needed discussion.
My friend, bless her soul, was pretty much skeptical of this ‘blog experience.’ The conversation went something like this:
Friend: A drowning man cannot help another drowning man. Make sure you have a point and objective in these blogs that point people in the direction of getting real help.
Me: Real help meaning therapy?
Friend: Whatever that help might be: counseling, therapy, something. It shouldn't be about a band of people just nodding their heads and commiserating with each other but not making any real progress in getting help for themselves. And help for one person may not work for another but a professional could help the person navigate that.
So let me say now, I’m not a therapist or a shrink but I can recommend a couple if you live in Trinidad and Tobago. And I’m not quite drowning…I’m more like clinging unto the lifesaver and kicking for dear life! However my friend does have a valid point.
Even our most painful moments can bring forth the most beautiful works of art in our lives. But most of all, I am hoping that by sharing some of my shameful and vulnerable experiences, someone can read this blog and realise, Ï’m not alone!”
So, what is vulnerability?
In her TED talk, researcher Brene Brown, defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Embracing vulnerability is something, which was not taught in my household. In fact, my dad has always told me ‘You need to toughen up. You are too weak.” What being weak meant for my dad was feeling sad, acknowledging disappointment, basically having emotions. My mom was no better – ‘Shake it off. Snap out of it. Be grateful you don’t live in Somalia.’
So I did what any rational kid would do – I pretended that everything was perfect all of the time. But here’s the most important lesson I’ve learnt about having the courage to be vulnerable – it is also having the courage to be authentic. Being authentic for me means:
1. being true to my core values and my likes irregardless of society and it pressures. 2. being true to my feelings to people close to me in my life. 3. Acknowledging that it’s ok to make mistakes (even really big ones) from time to time. 4. Having empathy for others.
When that light bulb went off in my head, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I realised that it’s ok to not have everything together all of the time. What’s important is that you are at peace with who you are as a person and that you continually learn from your mistakes.
Finally that phrase Oprah says all of the time made sense, "I am enough."
This is all part of the process of knowing and creating self.
Knowing oneself, especially one’s flaws is not an admission to weakness. It can be a sign of strength – a good gauge of self awareness- that allows for the continual self renewal and improvement process to occur.
Thirty minutes after our brainstorming session, I felt knots in my stomach. I’m pretty sure my week long migraine was brought on by this agreement. I was terrified.
I am going to be contributing to a blog series on what it is like to be imperfect, to be rejected and to somehow be ok with being vulnerable with your emotions. My inner 14 year old had a tantrum.
Armed with anxiety (and no Zynax), I messaged my close friend and started rattling off that I couldn't believe I'd just agreed to this blog and that I couldn’t possibly back down now! This is all part of my growth experience, of being a relatable writer, of really exploring a much needed discussion.
My friend, bless her soul, was pretty much skeptical of this ‘blog experience.’ The conversation went something like this:
Friend: A drowning man cannot help another drowning man. Make sure you have a point and objective in these blogs that point people in the direction of getting real help.
Me: Real help meaning therapy?
Friend: Whatever that help might be: counseling, therapy, something. It shouldn't be about a band of people just nodding their heads and commiserating with each other but not making any real progress in getting help for themselves. And help for one person may not work for another but a professional could help the person navigate that.
So let me say now, I’m not a therapist or a shrink but I can recommend a couple if you live in Trinidad and Tobago. And I’m not quite drowning…I’m more like clinging unto the lifesaver and kicking for dear life! However my friend does have a valid point.
"These blogs aren't about feeling bad about yourself and where you are now in your life. It’s about saying that having emotions and being willing to take risks is all part of the wonderful human experience."
Even our most painful moments can bring forth the most beautiful works of art in our lives. But most of all, I am hoping that by sharing some of my shameful and vulnerable experiences, someone can read this blog and realise, Ï’m not alone!”
So, what is vulnerability?
In her TED talk, researcher Brene Brown, defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Embracing vulnerability is something, which was not taught in my household. In fact, my dad has always told me ‘You need to toughen up. You are too weak.” What being weak meant for my dad was feeling sad, acknowledging disappointment, basically having emotions. My mom was no better – ‘Shake it off. Snap out of it. Be grateful you don’t live in Somalia.’
So I did what any rational kid would do – I pretended that everything was perfect all of the time. But here’s the most important lesson I’ve learnt about having the courage to be vulnerable – it is also having the courage to be authentic. Being authentic for me means:
1. being true to my core values and my likes irregardless of society and it pressures. 2. being true to my feelings to people close to me in my life. 3. Acknowledging that it’s ok to make mistakes (even really big ones) from time to time. 4. Having empathy for others.
When that light bulb went off in my head, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I realised that it’s ok to not have everything together all of the time. What’s important is that you are at peace with who you are as a person and that you continually learn from your mistakes.
Finally that phrase Oprah says all of the time made sense, "I am enough."
This is all part of the process of knowing and creating self.
Knowing oneself, especially one’s flaws is not an admission to weakness. It can be a sign of strength – a good gauge of self awareness- that allows for the continual self renewal and improvement process to occur.
That feeling when you realise: I am enough
So I do hope you cling unto my lifesaver with me while I embrace this journey of vulnerability, self-discovery and embracing not only shame and guilt but more importantly, joy.
Blessings xoxo… Analise
I’d like to dedicate this blog to my big sister Dija for being a stellar example of embracing one’s uniqueness and knowing when to have a good laugh at yourself.
Analise is the co-founder of The Backpack Project a non-profit which is dedicated to providing school and health supplies to children ages 5-18 in the Caribbean Latin America. A strategist at heart wrangling to bring clarity to her wonderfully imperfect life.
"Strength through Vulnerability" posts will appear on Mondays and Wednesdays. Click here to read the first post.
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