all of me

Exactly how much can you hold another responsible for your emotions? And exactly what percent must you hold yourself responsible? We decide what to do, which way to go, who to be after all…

I don’t know how honest I’ve been with myself in the past few months. The past couple of years actually. There are things I’ve wanted, yet convinced myself I did not. There are things I needed, but ignored. It’s a funny thing to want and need. Especially when the source of those emotions aren’t necessarily open for business. It’s like trying to embrace a brick wall.

I’m not too fond of hugging brick walls.

I’m left with scrapes and mending them is always a bitch.

In this moment though…I’m just attempting to dive into the parts of my brain I keep from myself. It’s like the key disappeared in order to protect me from making fucked up decisions. Who’s to say what’s fucked up anyhow?

You? Me? Them…

I still don’t know what I’m trying to say really. There was this song on…”There By Your Side,” by the Milk Carton Kids. And it was making me feel all sorts of vibrancies. Waves of hot and cold forced out of me by melodic therapy.

Why am I so afraid to ride these waves? What am I afraid of? Who?

I’ve fallen so much in the past two years, how could I possibly fear falling off balance once again?

Knowing that answer might be the very source of my fear alone.

Knowing is power.

And power means no looking back.