I Was Thinking.....

...the other day, how much I am glad to have this little space here.
I have been a blogger for 5 years now. It's a funny little relationship. I have had my ups and downs with it. I have blogged until I have felt exhausted. I have taken a break and gotten out of the blogging habit. It has been my friend, and on the odd occasion, my foe.
Having said all this, just thinking, that in years to come, I can look back at this little space of mine.....and just remember. Remember what my life was like day to day. Remember how I thought, what I did, what I made.
Granted, this blog is mainly for the nicer parts of my life. The day to day taxi service, washer upper, laundry maid, referee, cook, cleaner and general skivvy isn't something I like to dwell on here. I'm hoping that in years to come, the Bears will appreciate all of this, as they sure as heck don't at the moment. But, such is life. I know all too soon the nest will be empty, and a part of me too will feel empty....and bereft of what once was.
I treat every new phase as a new season in life. I look in the mirror and wonder when the wrinkles came. They seemed to have appeared over night. My face looks wiser now. I stare into my eyes and I can see that there are a lot of stories in there already. I'm happy with that. The good and the bad. They have all made me 'me', and I think (well, I HOPE) i'm a pretty decent person because of it.
I've learnt to feel more content in myself. After spending so many years wishing I could be more like the next person. More outgoing, more in control of things, less idiotic in my ways, I am more accepting of who I am now, and that has calmed me and made me happier. I am who I am. If I was asked to describe myself in one word it would have to be 'awkward'. Awkward in every sense. Ten years ago, it would have been a word I would have said, and cringed that I would have thought it would have summed me up.....but today, I don't mind it being my one word. I have grown to completely love individuality.
I do have struggles with it. For such a person as me, who has spent most of my life trying not to be noticed, to be really me, can often mean to stand out a little. I like bright, I like quirky. I don't like plain and mundane. I was getting out my car a short while ago on the school run, and a lady, who was also a mum on the school run stopped back a little to speak to me. I didn't know her. I had seen her face around but her children weren't in my childs' year, so I didn't 'know' her. She said to me out of the blue 'I notice you everyday'. I think my face must have said it all. I looked alarmed. I was thinking.....'Do I walk with my skirt tucked in my knickers?'......'Do I look like a Clown?'. Sensing my alarm, the woman put me at ease. She told me, she always noticed I was wearing a nice coat and a different scarf. I felt embarrassed and awkward. I wanted to curl up on that spot I was on. I wanted to reach for the nearest black raincoat and black scarf. I didn't want to be noticed. I didn't want someone to see me daily and make a mental note of it. I know, ridiculous isn't it. I realised how silly I was and that I should just man up. I blushed, stumbled a bit, then thanked her for her compliment. We exchanged a few words about an unhealthy scarf making habit and on we went.
Blogging opened up a lot for me. It enabled me to meet some truly wonderful people. People whom, in the real world, I never would have met otherwise. It enabled the shyness barrier not to be a problem, and it was heavenly to meet those with a likewise creative mind.
I am thankful for this space here. I am thankful I can record my life. I am thankful I can interact with such wonderful people. I am thankful it has allowed me to really be me and allowed me to carry on doing so in a way that works well for me.
It's a shame that so many past bloggers have given up. I know many now have made the full leap to Instagram, but i'm so glad i'm here. I'm glad i'm not just snapping, but talking too. Reminding myself what I am like in words. It'll be so good to look back on. I'm actually looking forward to it in years to come!

xxx