Blogging the Bachelor Episode 5: Escape to Goat Milk Mountain

Into the Wild! The gals are following Sean to Montana and hopefully, just like in the Jon Krakauer novel, one of them will expire in the back of an old broken down school bus.

While the Bachelor babes pack up their pretty little outfits for the trip to the mountain lodge in Whitefish, Montana, Tierra runs to the liquor store to cram her Coleman with wine coolers.
Date 1: Lindsey
I think Lindsey was the fool who showed up plastered in a wedding dress. So yeah, she’s still around. So Sean picks up Linds and leads her to the Helicopter waiting outside the lodge. Linds promptly asks, “Is that a helicopter?” Sean tells her nope, it’s a spaceship, dummy!! I forget what they did, but I know it was extremely boring. Oh wait, they sat on a blanket on a mountain and then Lindsey confessed her daddy issues and said the word adolescent a lot. After she got the rose, they slow danced on a platform in the middle of a DList country concert on Whitefish’s Main Street USA. BLISS.
Group Date: Escape to Goat Milk Mountain
I love it when they make these fools do the foolish things they deserve to be doing. Selma, who looks like she’s trying way to hard to dress like a Kardashian, and the rest of the girls pretend to be excited about this goat milking Fear Factor obstacle course they’re about to embark on. The Bachelor sets the morons up with J.Crew “mountain” shirts and as the girls suit up, they practice dirty NSFW motions with their hands. The contest consists of the girls canoeing, sawing a log and milking and drinking goat’s milk. Sean doesn’t pay attention to the beginning of the contest but seemed to get really into the goat milking and watching the girls chug warm milk. Desiree and Kim Kardashian's team wins, so they get to eat dinner with Sean in the Freight Train tavern.

Meanwhile, Tierra pulls out her Lisa Frank notebook to start working on the University of Phoenix midterm she has due in the morning. Ain’t nothing gonna stop Tierrable from getting her learn on.
To the blue team’s dismay, Sean invites the losing team back to Freight Train Tavern as well. I mean, the girls have to eat, right? Tierra does her best Fatal Attraction and decides to show up to the party uninvited to scare Sean into not voting her off. Tierra seems scary, until Ashlee and her botoxed head creeps into the room and Daniela drunk cries on Sean’s shoulder.
Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes…
Jackie and Tierrable go on a horse riding date with Sean. Jackie gets the horse who's in a hurry to go nowhere, ever and looks pretty stressed out the entire horse ride. Instead of playing cool, she decides to take a gamble and talk smack about Tierra. “T” decides to tell Sean about her boyfriend that was in and out of rehab. Middle America Sean exclaims, “Drug and Alcohol REHAB?” I think shiz got a little too real for Sean. The only “rehab” Scott has experienced was his college bro’s rehabilitation from ACL surgery. Despite her ex-boyfriend’s afterschool special story, Sean decides to disappoint moms across America and give her the rose.

Robyn tries to lay the smack down with Tierra during the cocktail "party" but it was as useful as talking to that goat they were milking on the hill. Sean overhears a voice being raised and takes Tierra aside to give her a talking to. "T" assures Sean that she is not a "drama person" and she's just fustratrated (sic) with the other girls in the house. The cocktail party suddenly turns into a CLUE worthy mystery dinner theatre for Sean. Is Tierra the sweet wife beater wearing girl he thinks he knows? Enter Chris to pretend to solve the mystery.
Rose Ceremony
Robyn is off to film a new season of Bad Girl's Club.
Do I really have to blog this tomorrow as well?