I Know You Exist

I know you exist.

Somewhere out in this mad city, or this crazy country or this beautifully ridiculous world, I know you exist. You have hopes that I’ve never heard, that I don’t know about yet, but these dreams paired with my wild ambitions will create our future. You have been walking on this planet, doing things and making things and being things that mean something to you. I know you are working that 9-6 (or 7 or 8) just like me, wondering when you’ll get where you’re going, even if you’re not sure where that is, exactly, just yet. I know you wake up every morning and you go to sleep every night, and in those hours, those minutes, those seconds in between, you make hundreds of decisions that have yet to lead you to me.

I know you are loved.

There is this family, these friends, these people that have the privilege to talk to you daily. These people have heard your laugh and felt your embrace, they know your voice when you speak and they have memories that go back to the decades I’ve never known you. There are people who think of you because you’ve actually spent time with them, there are women who have shared your heart and your hands, your bed and been stuck in your head. There are people who know your favorite dish, how you take your whiskey and what team you cheer for on Sundays and Mondays at the pub near your apartment, on some street in some place in some city. There are people who love you because you are already so wonderful.

I know your heart is so good.

Call me crazy – which I know you will, in an endearing way – but I already can feel your heart. I know it’s good. It must be to put up with an overly romantic sap like me. I know it’s full of the things that I need, that I don’t know I need yet. Your heart has been through things you’ll one day tell me about when we’re laying tangled in white sheets and hangovers, deciding what we’re going to order for takeout. Your heart is hesitant, but it’s willing, just like mine. Your heart is open, but it’s scared, just like how it feels to write this blog right now. Your heart is this masterpiece that I do believe was created to find it’s way to my tattered beating heart, the one that for silly, ridiculous reasons I can’t explain or prove, is already connected together.

I know you are thinking of me.

You may not realize it or it may just be when you’ve had too much to drink, but I know I must cross your mind. Maybe in random conversations with your friends or when some date went terribly and you wonder when it’ll get better. When the hell it’ll make sense. It must be when you think of the next ten years to come, when you imagine the life you’re working so hard to build or when you book your next trip, and you consider how magical it must be to experience new countries with someone who amazes you every single day. I know there will be a day when all of those thoughts I’ve had and you’ve had will seem meaningless and obsolete, just visions of how we thought it would turn out, without even knowing how different – and yet, how perfect – it would actually happen. How nothing we ever thought or dreamt up, mapped out or envisioned was quite as beautiful as that moment when we said yes, yes, yes to love.

I know you are mine.

Though you might be someone else’s right now, and I may date a few more before I stumble across you, we’re already a pair. Quite the pair, as my friends will say. We’re already building the foundation of our relationship, of our marriage, of our lives. Separated until we’re not, these things that we’re doing, how small or how big, from traveling the world to choosing to go left instead of going right on East 14th or West 109th or Broadway or Avenue A – they’re all leading us to one another. The path may be broken and scattered, the directions unclear and unsettling, but the love, the fever, the fire – it’s just getting started. It’s only starting to boil. It’s taking us step-by-step, month-by-month, year by what feels like, endless, years, to the point when we’re ready to be in the same room at the same time. When we’re ready for each other. When all of it is about to begin.

I know we will meet.

Not today. Probably not tomorrow. Or next month. Maybe not even next year. But we will meet. And my darling, I can’t wait. But… I will.