stories of strength: janelle.

This last Story of Strength is from my good friend Janelle. Her mom, who bravely fought cancer, passed away a few years ago. Janelle is one of the strongest women I know, so I’m so happy to have her share her story with you.

March 15, 2012 is a day I remember vividly in my mind. My grandmother woke me up at 5:30am, saying my mom was cool and clammy. When I went in to check on her I found that she was right, but what she didn’t realize was that she was in her last few hours of life. She had battled breast cancer for so long, but it spread to a point that couldn’t be cured. I laid next to my mom for the next five hours as her breathing became more labored and her skin more pale. I told her I loved her over and over and that it was ok to let go. At exactly 10am that Sunday morning, she took her last breath.

Cancer. It is such an ugly word. It is not only something that consumes one’s body, but also one’s life and the lives of one’s family. When my mom told me for the first time that she has cancer, I thought my world would collapse. After asking what seemed like a million questions, I finally realized things weren’t as bad as I had made them out to be in my head. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation. That was the answer – that would make her better, the doctors said.

Over the following eight months I saw my mom fight like never before. She wanted to live, not just be around for me, but for her as well. She endured long drives to radiation, incredible nausea, and several minor surgeries due to complications. She endured it all while remaining a mom to me. There were good days and bad days, but she made the most of them all. She reassured me she wasn’t going to go anywhere and I honestly believed her.

When the last of her treatment was over, we held our breath and waited for test results to come back to let us know if she was all clear. The results came back all clear, and I felt like I could now live life without being afraid of losing my mom. After this we seemed to bond in a way that we never had before. My mom became a best friend to me, someone that was not only a parent, but someone that I could share life with.

About five years after the “all clear,” my mom began to experience extreme pain in her lower back and she was diagnosed with a tumor resting on her sciatic nerve. The doctors told us that the cancer was now in stage four, but that it could be contained with chemo. For a time it was able to be contained with chemo, but eventually the symptoms of the chemo were too much for her.

This was the point where I really had to wrestle with the fact that I was going to lose my mom. I couldn’t fathom living with out her. I didn’t want to get married without her, have babies without her, travel without her. I just didn’t want to do life without her. A friend once told me that I would know when it was time to let go and would be able to let her go. I didn’t think this was going to ever be possible. At one point my mom told me that she didn’t want to continue with chemo, and that she wanted to switch back to a medication that I was sure would kill her. I remember having a very heated conversation and trying to describe how I needed her around and needed her to fight for me. I had no idea the pain she was actually enduring, and the quality of life she was living. I very selfishly wanted her around because I needed my mom.

When I was told that I needed to go home because it was the last days, I got on a plane and flew immediately. We found out our time was short (only ended up being 24 hours), and that we needed to make the most of every moment. When I found out that there was no more hope, and that she was indeed going to graduate into heaven, I prayed for God to take her quickly. I couldn’t bear to watch her suffer any more, and I knew that it was time to let her go. I can’t tell you how I knew, but I just knew and had peace about it.

While this has really shaped who I am, it has also made me more realize that I have to love passionately those who are around me because we never know how long we have left on this earth. Yes, I did grieve the loss of my mom, and in some ways I think I still am, but I have also made a choice to celebrate her whenever I can. To celebrate birthdays, anniversaries of her death, her love for travel and her love for family. While tears are still shed and I still miss having her around, I know that she is always with me that that because I am her daughter, I will forever carry a piece of her with me.

To those reading this that have a loved one battling cancer, I can say that I know where you are and what you are feeling. And if I could tell you anything, I would tell you to spend time doing everything and nothing all at the same time…have the hard conversations if they need to be had, forgive, and be forgiven, but most of all to love with all you have, and cherish each and every moment.