March Fabness 2014 FINALS: Lupita vs. Emma!
Lupita’s dress by Jonathan Cohen; Emma’s dress by Candela, shoes by Ancient Greek
LUPITA: Well, here we are. Just one battle left before one of us is crowned.
EMMA: “One of us?” You really think it will be you?
Lupita’s dress by Peter Pilotto, purse by Michael Nelson, shoes by Manolo Blahnik; Emma’s top and pants by Osman
LUPITA: Well, yes.
EMMA: And why is that, my lady?
Lupita’s dress and shoes by Stella McCartney; Emma’s top and skirt by Christopher Kane, shoes by Gianvito Rossi
LUPITA: Because I am Queen Lupita of House Beyoncé, Protector of the Realm and the rightful heir to the Iron Throne!
EMMA: Is that so?
Lupita’s dress, purse, and shoes by Proenza Schouler; Emma’s dress by Antonio Berardi
LUPITA: Yes! And you should be bowing down to me by now!
EMMA: Well, I hate to disappoint you, but that’s simply not going to happen.
Lupita’s top and skirt by Giambattista Valli, purse by Elie Saab, shoes by Sophia Webster; Emma’s gown by Theory, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Christian Louboutin
LUPITA: And why ever not?
EMMA: Because I am the rightful queen. I am the Fabbest of Them All. I am the two-time, soon-to-be-three-time March Fabness champion, and you will bow down to me!
Lupita’s dress by Vivienne Westwood, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s top by Roland Mouret, pants by 3.1 Phillip Lim, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
LUPITA: No. Absolutely not. I do not bow down to anyone wearing a peplum.
EMMA: First of all, peplums were still very hot when I wore this outfit. And second of all, you will bow to me. You have no claim to this throne, and you know it.
Lupita’s dress by Cushnie et Ochs, purse by Devi Kroell, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Christian Louboutin
LUPITA: Have you seen me this year? In my first year on the red carpet, I’ve worn more majestic, stunning looks than most starlets wear in a lifetime.
EMMA: Most starlets, yes. But not me. Not Queen Emma.
Lupita’s dress by Christopher Kane, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s dress by Chanel, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
LUPITA: I beg to differ, my lady. Your monochromatic London-chic style may have gotten you this far, but it simply cannot compare to my ability to wear literally every color of the rainbow.
EMMA: Hm? What was that? I’m sorry, I can’t hear people who have been on the red carpet for less than a year.
Lupita’s dress by Christian Dior, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Paul Andrew; Emma’s dress by Maxime Simoens, shoes by Proenza Schouler
LUPITA: Seriously? You’re resorting to feigning deafness?
EMMA: I’m not feigning anything. I’ve been on the red carpet since I was eleven years old. You simply cannot compete with my level of experience.
Lupita’s dress by Stella McCartney, purse by Rauwolf, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s jumpsuit by J. Mendel, shoes by Gianvito Rossi
LUPITA: Experience you may have, but the crown won’t go to the most experienced. It will go to the most fabulous. It will go to ME.
EMMA: You’re more than welcome to try to defeat me next year, when you’ve got a few more looks under your belt. But a red carpet newbie simply cannot beat me. It just can’t be done.
Lupita’s dress by Elie Saab, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood; Emma’s dress by Giambattista Valli, purse by M2Malletier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
LUPITA: It hasn’t been done. But it can be. And it will be. I swear it, by the old gods and the new, if I have to slit your throat to do it, so be it!
EMMA: Don’t you dare threaten me. I will flay you inch by inch, House Bolton-style.
Lupita’s dress by Prabal Gurung, purse by Charlotte Olympia, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s suit by Saint Laurent, purse by Reese Hudson, shoes by Christian Louboutin
LUPITA: Oh, yeah? I will murder your whole family while I sing “The Rains of Castamere.”
EMMA: I will throw you in a pit with a giant bear and nothing but a wooden sword to protect yourself!
Lupita’s gown by Lanvin; Emma’s dress by Erdem, shoes by Roger Vivier
LUPITA: I will pretend to kill your loved ones but actually just murder two innocent random children and hope nobody notices the difference!
EMMA: I will birth a terrifying shadow-baby and have it stab you!
Lupita’s gown and purse by Calvin Klein; Emma’s dress and shoes by J. Mendel
LUPITA: I will breastfeed three baby dragons and then order them to burn you alive!
EMMA: Dammit! I wanted to do the dragon thing! Okay, I will cut off your manhood and feed it to the goats!
Lupita’s gown by J. Mendel, purse by Judith Leiber; Emma’s gown by Wes Gordon
LUPITA: I don’t have any manhood! Or any goats, for that matter. But I will turn into a direwolf and chomp your ass to bits!
EMMA: Well, I’ll turn into an eagle and claw your fucking eyes out!
Lupita’s gown by Christian Dior; Emma’s gown by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
LUPITA: I will decapitate you for treason, put your head on a spike, and gleefully show it off to your loved ones!
EMMA: I will sacrifice you to R’hllor, the Lord of Light, and sing to the heavens as I burn you alive!
Lupita’s gown by Miu Miu; Emma’s gown by Chanel
LUPITA: We already did a burnt-alive thing and a singing-while-murdering thing!
EMMA: Fine! Then I will convince you to climb a 700-foot-high wall made of ice with me, and then cut you loose so you fall to your death!
Lupita’s gown by Ralph Lauren; Emma’s gown by Prabal Gurung
LUPITA: I will push you out of a window, and then when that fails to kill you, I’ll set a random building on fire to distract you and then send a hired assassin to kill you with a very fancy knife!
EMMA: I’ll lock you in an empty vault that you pretended was full of treasures, and let you starve and suffocate to death in there!
Lupita’s gown by Gucci; Emma’s gown by Christian Dior, shoes by Roger Vivier
LUPITA: I’ll – I’ll – shit, I’m really running low on ideas.
EMMA: I’LL STICK YOU WITH THE POINTY END!
Lupita’s gown by Prada; Emma’s gown by Ralph Lauren, purse by Jimmy Choo
LUPITA: Whew. There sure are a lot of ways to die in Westeros. (And across the Narrow Sea, for that matter.)
EMMA: I think we’ve exhausted them all. Let’s call it a day.
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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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