Photo: Broadimage
Keira Knightley, will you stay on the red carpet forever, please? Your ethereal whimsy always seems elegant and lovely, in contrast to the hipster-bullshit Coachella fashion all the kids seem to be wearing today. Your dress is covered in birds, some of which appear to be positively shitting feathers all over you, AND IT’S AWESOME. Please, teach us your magical secrets, you fabulous woodland nymph of a woman.
Photo: Andrew H. Walker/Getty
I love this. Color, texture, silhouette, accessories - it’s all perfect.
Photo: FameFlynet
Gorgeous. I loved the high neckline, which looked superb on television. (She wore this for her interview on The Daily Show, which I happened to be watching while writing this. She looked divine.)
Photo: Jun Sato/WireImage
It’s a lot of look for such a little slip of a girl, but it also combines the Disney princess aesthetic she’s been working for Maleficent with her love of the hippie-hobo-chic-festival-fashion aesthetic I was complaining about earlier. She makes it work, mostly because she’s actually young enough for that style to be new and appealing to her, so it doesn’t feel so much like pretentious bullshit. But she managed to wear a tiered gown without looking like a cupcake, which is an impressive feat. So even though I feel like I should hate this, I’m a little bit in love with it. Go figure.
Photo: Kento Nara/Future Image/WENN
Come on, girl. Those shoes are aggressively ugly. They’re almost proud of how hideous they are. Burn them in a fire, please.
Photo: Juan Naharro Gimenez/Getty
This dream of a gown was my red carpet prediction for Elizabeth Banks, but Spanish supermodel Nieves Álvarez stole it away from her and worked the shit out of it. Simply divine.
Photo: Hong Wu/Getty
Nineteen-year-old Nicola Peltz is the new starlet to watch on the red carpet. She’s the female lead in the new Transformers movie, because apparently each consecutive movie has to cast an even younger and more beautiful woman than the already-young-and-beautiful woman from the previous film. (Sorry, Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. You’ve been replaced.) Next year’s movie will probably star the world’s most gorgeous fetus. Anyway, the pouty teenager knows how to dress (or has hired someone who does), as evidenced by this stunning couture gown. Yes, we’re all tired of peplums, but the cascading white flowers are really stunning. I’m not in love with the texture of the skirt – I think it looks a little cheap next to the luxurious fabrics in the bodice – but it’s a killer look for a red carpet newcomer.
Photo: Omar Reyes/Landov
For a moment, I thought this gown was Nicola’s best look of the week, and from the front, it certainly is. But all the simple, captivating beauty of the front of the gown was seriously impeded by… whatever the hell this is:
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Is it a bustle? A bow? Has she sprouted little blue wings? What am I even looking at, dear readers?
Photo: Owen Kolasinski/BFAnyc/Sipa
This might be the best daytime summer look I’ve ever seen. Many of my favorite red carpet looks don’t exactly translate well to real people’s wardrobes, but wouldn’t we all look fabulous in this outfit? I mean, I can’t be trusted in heels around a pool, because I am way too clumsy for that shit and would end up in the water in no time at all. But assuming I was going to wear a cocktail dress poolside, this is the one I’d wear, especially with those accessories.
Photo: Splash News
God. She’s so beautiful I sometimes have trouble looking directly at her. Can we give a little cheer for her colorist and makeup artist? Because those blonde highlights and the faux-natural makeup are looking even more terrific than usual. Anyway, love the crop top and the idea of pop of color in the shoes, but the combination of mint green nail polish, a black-and-white striped purse, and bright yellow shoes doesn’t really work for me.
Photo: Owen Kolasinski/BFAnyc/Sipa
Cute as a button, this one. The color and cut of this dress are absolutely perfect for her, even if the accessories make her look a bit like a Barbie doll.
Photo: Pacific Coast News
Apparently, bright yellow pumps are the new go-to accessory. I usually hate everything Olivia Munn wears, but there’s something so fun and summer-in-the-city chic about this.
Photo: Johns PKI/Splash News
Never wear a pleated dress that matches your skin tone exactly, or you will look like your entire body is covered in very symmetrical wrinkles.
Photo: Jun Sato/WireImage
Boring as shit but impossibly fierce. Those are usually mutually exclusive, but not when it comes to Angelina Jolie’s wardrobe.
Photo: S. Alemdar/Getty
Right, because we’ve never seen a gold strapless mermaid gown before. Give me something worth blogging about, for God’s sake.
Photo: Mathew Imaging/WireImage
Lea, darling. You’re spray-tanning so often that you look permanently covered in orange oil. It’s time for an intervention.
Photo: Walter McBride/Getty
Great eye makeup, but if I see one more fucking fringed asymmetrical Stella McCartney with some stupid giant swoop on it, I may actually vomit all over my laptop. And then Stella McCartney will owe me one laptop.
Photo: Rob Kim/Getty
I usually love to see Chinese superstar Li Bingbing (no relation to Chinese superstar Fan Bingbing) on the red carpet, but her Transformers press tour has been a walking nightmare. Here, Li wears something that I suppose is called a gown, but is really a hideous amalgamation of a bandeaux top, a supersized peplum, and a mermaid skirt. A woman this beautiful should not have to wear clothing this ugly, but sadly, it only gets worse from here.