word up #87: FEAR

this month it's my turn on One Little Word and i choose the word FEAR. fear is such a strong word and it had such a strong grip on me. for years. HAD. yes. past tence. HAD. no longer.

journaling is in Dutch:
it took me 39 years, but for the first time in my life, i'm not being controlled by fear(s). i've build up so many fears from my traumatic childhood. fear on the street, fear in the dark, fear alone at home. fear that something would happen with the kids. or arjan. fear build up by living in an unsafe environment in my childhood. fear that helped me through rough times. what i needed at the time to survive. but it doesn't serve me anymore. it's useless. worse, it's slowing me down, it bothers me now in my life. finally, by working my ass of with emdr-therapy i've been able to make it stop. to end it. all by myself. and that's tough. i LIVE again. free from fear.

some of you who personally know me, know i've had a crappy childhood. some of you don't. people who meet me for the first time, or read my blog for the first time, think i must be a happy chick doing fun stuff she loves. that's true. but there's a long road, a horrible journey, that brought me to where i am now. it's not the crappy childhood that made me stronger. it's how i dealt with it. how i not choose to be a victim. how i not choose to give up. how i not choose to take the easy way out. i've always chosen to fight. fight for my rights. fight for love. fight for a good life. and i'm not afraid to stand up and say: hey, look at me now! i've had a horrible childhood with abuse (yes, of all kinds), but i took care of myself since the age of 16. and nobody but me is to thank for that. to choose to run away from that house. i don't call it home even. it simply was no home to me. and to choose Arjan early on. i just knew he was the best for me, and i was save with him. and my instinct was right.

to all of you who live in fear right now. think. choose. choose you. choose life. get help. do not be ashamed of whatever is happened to you. as a child or as an adult. YOU are not a victim. you can make it chance. you can live happy and you deserve to live happy. if i can make it to a happy life, anybody can make it to a happy life.

life is good. i love you. that's a starter :)
rev