No One Liked Your Boyfriend Anyway; A Boyfriend Jean Break Up.

Boyfriend jeans. An utter disgrace to a hardworking woman's thigh gap.

I'm not ignorant, I totally get that you like to get down (to earth) with the "effortless" look, but please be honest with yourself for 2.5 seconds...

How effortless is scrounging around in your closet for an appropriately fitted top to balance out your baggy distressed denim mess and then to only have to throw on a pair of uncomfortable, strappy heels to make your legs lean out and look longer after the brutal amputation your poor stems just underwent from the unfinished cuffed hem you practically hand grenaded to your ankle?

Not that I'm a pessimistic betch or anything, but that sounds like a downright depressing ordeal to have to go through to pull off a pair of pants that belong on your boyfriend...or better yet...on your floor.

As much as the competitive woman in me appreciates the fact that your boyfriend jeans give you a saggy looking crotch, I'm going to be the bigger and better person here, a true friend in fact, and tell you to dump your boyfriend's jeans once and for all.

Let me offer you some moral support and guidance...

1. I would like to first remind you who nationally promoted the launch of the boyfriend jean - introducing Melissa Joan Hart (Exhibit A, below) everybody! Oh, and where she is now (Exhibit B, below). How odd, I don't see anyone jumping offline quick to get knocked up and book it to TJ Maxx for super-sized horizontal stripes, a patent leather baby bump belt, stretchy capri leggings, and rubber flippy flops. Just food for thought. Literally.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

2. Revisit your designer jeans. Super talked about on the rap scene, as I'm sure you've heard. It's a little bit of a hypocritical situation though because I don't remember the last time Kanye wore a pair that he rapped about since he's always galavanting around in a skirt à la mode de Marc Jacobs in a dress he wouldn't take off phase, but nonetheless, it's time for you to get back to the denim basics. J Brand, BLK DNM, 3x1, MiH, Current/Elliot, etc. Bring them into the circle of friends again.

3. Oh, I get it now. You're worried about a thing called comfort. So over juicing so you can squeeze into your designer jeans? I don't blame you. Well guess what, that is why designers are now getting all hot and bothered over their overpriced leggings creations. Couture spandex? Sign me up. I live in my leather Versace leggings in winter and my Vince two-toned britches in summer.

Tom Ford

Saint Laurent

Rick Owens
4. Afraid of looking high maintenance? Betch, please. It's all about your mentality. The only thing those boyfriend jeans did to bring you down to earth was to bring your vag down to the earth, and pathetically dragging nonetheless. Sorry I'm not sorry for that vulgarly painted picture. Cara made me do it.

5. Now comes the time to purge. Gather up the boyfriends and burn them up like the baggage they are. Don't you dare even think of trying them on again post-break up, we all know anything post-break up is just plain messy. No one liked your boyfriend anyway, chin up and grab yourself some champagne. You've already moved on.