Back to the meal plan

I wouldn’t call myself argumentative...or anything close to that. But, I feel like I’ve hit a low point when I’m arguing with my dietician about appropriate amounts of exercise. She agreed that yes, I am not excessively exercising, but is mindset always in the right place when I am exercising. (No, not %100)

I argued all the reasons that it was while knowingly that there are most definite moments when I don’t need to exercise that day. Finding other ways to calm stress and anxiety should be more of a focus and not have exercise as the sole outlet. We continued to discuss how the body uses and stores glucose, and the amounts of energy needed to solely live and breathe (75% of the energy we consume is for the body to function) I already knew that I was wrong on my side of the argument.“Do you need more support and more structure?”

“No” (in my mind Yes)

I can’t seem to find other things through out my day or week to WANT to focus on, especially when all the mistakes that are happening with my team seem to occur with my involvement.

Hitting the distance. The mark.
The number.
–These shouldn’t define me, but when I’m feeling stressed and unsure of how to create my own personal world and routine these are the only markers that I seem to fall on.

Sitting on the airplane coming back from Santa Monica I came across Portia D’Rossi’s Unbearable Lightness Air epilogue and reread her reflection on anorexia and exercise-bulimia and purge-bulimia. (Thank god, I hate vomiting).

A few things she wrote couldn’t be more true about recovery.

“Gaining weight is a critical time. The anorexic mind doesn’t just magically go away when weight is gained—it gets more active. Anorexia becomes bigger and stronger as it struggles to hold on, as it fights for its life.”

“Being sick allows you to check out of life. Whatever it was that made you feel insecure, less than, or pressured in a way that was uncomfortable to you. Has to change before you want o go back there and start life over. You have to create a whole new life to check into.”

“I didn’t decide to be anorexic. It snuck up on my disguised as a healthy diet, a professional attitude…I didn’t decide to not be anorexic. I didn’t decide to become healthy…Anorexia was my first love, we spent ever moment of the day together. It taught me how to feel good about myself, how to improve myself, and how to think. It never left my side. It was always there when every else left as long as I didn’t ignore it.”

How it applies:

I have to find ways to fill my time that are satisfying for the soul, relaxing, and non exercise or food related.

Finding ways to fill voids of time should not be spent planning meals and exercise routines…it’s not my job. I’m not a personal trainer.

People like you based on your personality, sure, society is biased to think underweight is healthy and beautiful, but it’s not.

I can’t be that size.shape, etc…it’s unrealistic, it’s too strict of diet and I tend to hyper focus.

You don’t have to look sick to be sick. this applies to many other aspects, but just because I look healthy and am at a healthy weight.

Eating intuitively is a huge stepping stone.I”ve got a ways to go.

For now the loose meal plan keeps me sane during periods of high stress.

It stops the panic from fearing it was too much or not enough.

So, for the next week it’s back to the meal plan. Less “grazing”…less carrots.