Now That I Am Clean I'm Never Gonna Risk It {Musical Mondays}

Many of you may remember an ex of mine who I've nicknamed Sneeze on this blog. Sneeze and I met a long time ago via Yahoo messenger. I was just getting my hopes crushed by yet another in a long line of guys that did (and would) stand me up or disappear after we'd been intimate, and he was hopped up on Ambien and decided to shoot me a message and ask me out. This was probably about eight or nine years ago... At first I was put off-I mean who meets a guy who's badgering you over instant messenger? But he was persistent, and we scheduled a date.

That date just so happened to date number three in a week of four dates. The other three included the guy I'd originally been crying over when Sneeze messaged me originally, a guy who made me cry on the first date and was a total jerk who played mind games, and a nice guy who was very into me but I just wasn't into him at all. I still remember my first date with Sneeze, and somehow he's the only one I really kept in touch with out of that week. For our date we met at my work, a bowling alley, and he brought me a bag a cough drops since I'd almost backed out of the date because I was sick. We bowled, we had a few beers, and when he left we had a friendly hug but otherwise he made no moves on me.

I don't remember exactly how he was the only one I stayed in long-term contact with out of all those dates, mostly because I'd thought "he's nice, but I don't know if I feel anything for him", but we very quickly became inseparable. He was just getting out of a messy divorce and getting custody worked out for his two and three year olds, and we just about became insta-family. We were spending a lot of time at his house, taking the kids to the zoo, and throwing parties. When I moved back in with my grandmother, he moved to an apartment nearby so we could stay close. I loved him, and I loved his kids like they were my own.


When his brother and sister-in-law moved back from Italy I felt a little jealous of how much time he was spending with them, but after meeting them I became fast friends and we started spending a lot of time together. Soon, the two of us moved in with their family. We lived, us four adults and the four children, in a three bedroom house together. It was rough some times, but there were probably more good times than bad.

Still, as damaged as he was from his divorce and previously broken heart, he never once was unclear about the fact that he never wanted to get married or have more children. In fact, while we weren't acting on it, he defined our relationship as "open". This wasn't something I was e bothered by, I loved him and his kids and that felt like enough for me. Until it wasn't. One day I realized I couldn't be in a dead-end relationship anymore. He wasn't going to give me everything I wanted, and he wasn't going to love me like I wanted to be loved. I sat down and told him I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore-but we still lived together for 6 months after we broke up. We stayed intimate for a while, until finally starting to date other people.

We stayed friends for years. Which was great in some aspects since friendship had been the biggest factor in our relationship and I still wanted to be a part of his kids' lives. But that friendship wasn't actually healthy-we still relied on each other for far too much and I personally used him as an excuse to not date. While we weren't intimate any longer, we did the daily things like grocery shopping and cooking together, and that filled a small part of the lonely.

One day, out of the blue, he texted me and told me to go screw myself. He wanted to date my good friend and thought I was standing in the way. We ended our friendship and it ended up being a very good thing for me. I learned to move on. I learned to date other people.

Over the years since then we've seen each other a few times here and there. It's been mostly awkward. He is not a person who says he's sorry or he's wrong, he likes to just pick up and move on like it never happened, and I swore I wouldn't be friends with him again unless he apologized. So we didn't become friends and I didn't get to see the children... I missed them. I missed him. But I moved on with my life.

However, since we have friends/family in common we were bound to keep running into each other. We both spent the evening at his our mutual friends one evening and got along fine, though not interacting too much-he isn't the same person he used to be. Then on Halloween we were both in the same place and I got to see the kids. It was so great to see them, and it was great to see my friend-Sneeze-acting like the old friend he used to be. We got drunk together, we reminisced about old times, we added each other back on Facebook. It just happened and it was fun to forget the bad things and just be friendly again.

In my drunken state it was easy to remember everything I loved about him. Everything that I found attractive about him. Every reason I ever had for wanting to have sex with him again. It was easy to want to sleep with him again-but I found myself grateful that it couldn't happen due to monthly circumstances, and remembered when I woke up sober why it would have been a bad idea.
Clean is my favorite song off the new 1989 album by Taylor Swift. It's the song that resonates with me most from the album, especially after Halloween. It was so easy to want to be sucked back into that again-but it's better to remember why you kicked the habit. We can be casual friends, but we'll never be as close as we were, and that's okay. It's healthier. Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it.

Since I can't find an actual version of this song anywhere (miss TayTay seems to be keeping it under lock and key and shutting down anyone who posts it) you get a cover by this cute girl instead:
This week's song: Clean Cover by CeCe Oates

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head as I lost the war
The sky turned black like a perfect storm

The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe
That morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do
When the butterflies turned to dust they covered my whole room
So I punched a whole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
Water filled my lungs
I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe
That morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean

Ten months sober I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older I wont give in
Now that I"m clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe
That morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean (x4)


What is Musical Mondays?
Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us. Along with talking about music, I host a month-long music related giveaway.
What are you listening to this week?
Please grab the button and link up your Musical Mondays post in the linky!

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November's Musical Monday's Giveaway This month's giveaway is for an MP3 copy of the album Heart on My Sleeve by Mary Lambert. If you already have this album, or are international, you will receive a $10 Amazon Gift card instead. Giveaway is open worldwide from 12AM November 3rd 2014 to 12AM December 1st 2014. Entering below agrees to all the Terms and Conditions within the Rafflecopter.

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