SADNESS, ANXIETY AND THE JOY OF RED
So, so
When happiness spells misery
How does one get happy?
Seems like an easy enough question to answer when you first glance at it. However, easy, is definitely not what the answer is. It’s a question that has baffled the mind of philosophers since Thales. I’m not a philosopher but attempting to answer this question perplexes me too. I’m not sure of the answer myself, for myself.
The earliest memory I have of feeling depressed is probably from around the age of eight. I’ll spare you the specifics, but for a child, I was plagued with some pretty dark thoughts lurking in my head.
So, I’m not going to try and describe happiness, but I do know how to describe depression. It is a subject matter that I don’t really discuss with anyone because it usually feels awkward and forced. For reasons unknown to me, typing this on my blog seems easier than actually talking to someone I know about it. This is how it feels for me, I’m sure everyone who experiences it suffers in a different way.
I feel numb. I managed to suppress depression for a very, very long time (for a while, anxiety took over anyway – a whole different monster that I’ll move on to soon) but for the last 105 days it has slowly and quietly been draining the life out of me. I would describe it as perhaps sucking out my soul, but I don’t believe I have a soul (I came to this conclusion in year 11 philosophy class) so, life, is the only way I know how to describe it. Or, maybe, my will to actually live rather than merely exist.
Part of the problem is the fact that I can not seem to cry. I mean, sure, there have been a few pathetic, short lived tears here and there on occasion (mostly due to physical, biologically female related pain) but I have not properly cried for a long time. Crying used to provide relief for me. Tears are a form of natural pain relief, after all. But now, my brain won’t even allow me to cry. I feel this… overwhelming miserable burden that I can’t even physically convey, it’s all locked in my head and it feels like I’m sinking in an ocean where drowning never takes place.
As much as I despise it, I must admit, It is interesting. it’s like a hidden monster lurking inside your brain that can’t be seen by others. You can’t even see it, you can only feel it, eating away at you from the inside. Every day you fight, you regrow part of yourself, but the monster continues to feast on any joy you happen to feel.
Oh, anxiety, you son of a bitch. For me, anxiety is much more debilitating. Depression is a long, gloomy, miserable, drawn out phase. Anxiety usually doesn’t last for quite as long but it destroys my ability to function. Luckily, I have mostly learnt to deal with the anxiety I am lucky enough to suffer with. I’m a hypochondriac, that’s my anxiety.
People find it amusing, “oh you’re just a drama queen, haha”
Yes, har… har… har…. very funny, indeed.
I remember blogging about the worst hypochondriac related episode I have ever endured whilst it was happening. My anxiety first came to surface when I was 12 years old – I thought I had severe acute respiratory syndrome, (remember SARS guys?) over the years it progressively got worse. I had periods where I was obsessed. I avoided sharing any drinks, food, or even kissing anyone because I was afraid of contracting meningococcal disease. I would diagnose myself with a variety of terminal illnesses and then sit in my bed at night, trembling, so afraid to sleep because I didn’t think I would ever wake up. Why did I value my life so highly at that point? Who knows? I guess I wasn’t simultaneously depressed at the time.
Guess what? As anxiety worsens… chest pain becomes a symptom of panic. So, I found myself caught in this vicious cycle. I would have chest pain because I was anxious. As a result, I would become even more anxious due to mentioned chest pain, I would have a panic attack, end up even more on edge than I was previously…. and the cycle would repeat itself the next day. Until, I reached a point where I could no longer function as I would regularly.
August 2011: About two years later, I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. Check out the symptoms yo: anxiety, heart palpitations, trembling etc. Combine this with someone who is a hypochondriac, with a heart related medical history and you have very fun times.
As you can imagine, I had an awful time that year. I could not sleep – I literally could not sleep. I would sit up in my bed at night trembling, I would struggle to attend class, I would have panic attacks at random times of the day. I could not eat, I had abdominal pain all the time, and prior to being diagnosed, my hypochondria was at its peak level of insanity. At one point, I was convinced I had oral cancer and thought I was going to die a very painful death before the end of the year.
Eventually, I somehow managed to train myself to not panic every time I had any chest pain. I had medical confirmation that my physical health was okay, so, I repeatedly told myself to be rational. I forced myself to deal with the irrationality that is hypochondria by being in situations where I would have to adapt and behave ‘normally’ even when I thought I was on the verge of sudden death.
I remember being at work and serving a customer, I think I was selling him a DVD. As I was removing the security case, I felt this sudden jolt in my chest, I don’t know how to describe it, other than to say, it literally felt like my heart had been shocked by electricity. It was tremendously frightening of course, but at the time, whilst acting like everything was normal for the customer, I told myself it was just a symptom my head was creating because I was still in an anxious state of mind.
Although in my case, anxiety is far more debilitating, I can take control of it – especially because it has a specific irrationality behind it. But I know some people have generalised anxiety and I can’t even imagine how difficult that would be.
The bitch I have to cope with because I was born with a female reproductive system. I am so envious of you ladies who do not experience this. For those of us that do, it can, again, like anxiety, be debilitating – I’m not even lying, I wish I was! I feel like I have typed more than enough so I’m going to list a few of the lovely symptoms here.
- Anxiety, confusion
- Depression and lowered mood, which may include suicidal thoughts
- Difficulties in concentration, memory lapses
- Drop in self-esteem and confidence
- Feelings of loneliness and paranoia
- Irritability, including angry outbursts
- Mood swings, weepiness
Having all these PMS symptoms when you already feel depressed is a killer combination. My cycle is completely fucked and in the last two weeks I have experienced every single one of the symptoms listed above. I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror only to be disgusted and repulsed by my own reflection. I feel like a hideous, pale blob and in my mind I visualise pouring acid on my face. I have felt so isolated and alone. I feel rage – so much rage. In one moment I feel an overwhelming sense of intense anger – to the point where I feel compelled to start throwing and destroying everything around me, in another moment I begin to laugh deliriously.
SOLUTIONS?
So, what the hell does one do when one is burdened with these emotions on a daily basis? During the last 14 years I have done many different things in an attempt to distract myself from persistent sadness. Here is a list in no particular order, if you feel like shit too, this list may or may not help.
1. Running – this helps me focus on breathing, not collapsing and not much else. It’s a good way to distract yourself and if you’re a hypochondriac too, feeling fit generally helps with feeling more protected against illness.
2. Walk – you can always just walk instead, I usually listen to music when I go for walks, sometimes I take my camera and take photos that I can use in graphics later.
3. Drive – for some reason this one is good when I feel really angry. Being in my car whilse listening to music really loudly helps me feel better when I’m mad for no apparent reason.
4. Bake – I have no motivation to do this when I feel depressed but when I’ve been anxious, baking a whole lot of sweet things to give to other people makes me feel better. While trying to distract myself from having a panic attack, I once baked an oreo cake, marble fudge chocolate chip cookies and red velvet cupcakes.
5. Hug someone – This one is hard for me because I’m not really a physically intimate person. I don’t hug my family, I usually don’t hug my friends, there are only a few people I’m willing to hug but if you get the chance to hug someone, do it, we all know they feel amazing. If you have someone who will hug you while you ball your eyes out or while you sleep – even better (and I’m jealous).
7. Force yourself to be social – I feel weird typing this because I’m pretty introverted and can be incredibly anti social. I also wouldn’t suggest this when you’re PMS-ing and feel like you’re going insane. However, when you’re just generally down, forcing yourself to socialise can help you feel better, if anything, hanging out with a friend can provide a few hours of relief.
8. Dance – if all else fails, DANCE. I’m serious. Put on music that you think you can move along to and just go with it. If you’ve been having a particularly rough time, there is a high chance that you will feel incredibly stupid and cringe to yourself but I swear it helps.
9. Make goals – I often feel like shit because I don’t particularly enjoy my existence, so making goals you can work towards can help. For example, I really want to go to L.A later this year, so I’m currently saving up for that, I can remind myself of it (like right now) when I feel terrible and it helps me to feel a little better.
I wish I could embrace the sadness so it would pass but as I said, I’m numb. I can’t even cry, I created a sad music playlist in order to do so and I got close but it didn’t happen. Instead, the sad music made me laugh; excellent work brain.
