Going Off the Deep End

Shirt: Ann Taylor, Skirt and Bracelet: Target, Necklace: Lotus, Ring: Charming Charlies, Watch: Michael Kors
Lately I've been thinking in a way that is somewhat new to me.

I am not sure where it came from, or why it's all happening now, but I've been taking a mental inventory of sorts. Being more aware of what I'm spending my time, energy, and money on... what I'm thinking about, watching, listening to... who I hang out with... and what I surround myself with.

I've always been a really sensitive person, but I've never been particularly conscious of "energy". Does that even make sense, or do I sound like a new age, hippie freak? What I mean is, that lately certian things that I have never given a second thought to are really sticking with me and impacting me in a way that I have never been aware of before.

For example. I have always LOVED hip hop music. Loved. Loved. I know every word to almost any song you could throw at me. I'm kiiiiind of a lyrical gangsta. No, really... I am. However, I can hardly listen to hip hop anymore (at least recent, mainstream stuff). It doesn't make me feel good to listen to violent, misogynist lyrics and I can't "tune" them out like I used to and focus on the beat.

Television. We started watching Game of Thrones a few seasons ago. I got through the first two seasons and really liked it, but I noticed that afterwards I always felt uneasy. A few nights it even impacted my sleep. There is sexual violence, torture, blood and guts, etc. really graphic stuff. When my manfriend reminded me that we needed to catch up on an entire season I found myself not really looking forward to it. So, instead of watching it I was just like... "Nah, I'm good. That's all you. I don't think I want to spend my time watching something that makes me feel that way anymore.".

And as far as people go... oh man... last weekend I had a weird situation happen. A girl I know put a picture of her bare ass on Instagram (well, she had tiny underwear on, but still). It was pretty offensive. It was a cry for attention and it made me feel bad when I saw it. Not in a judgmental, like "I'm better than you" shitty type of way, but in a true-blue... Man, I feel awful that this woman's self esteem is so low at this moment that she is resorting to putting a picture of her bare ass on social media to get "likes" type of way. Know what I'm saying? I didn't "unfollow" her immediately, but the next day when she went off on a tangent on FB about talking about "if you don't like it, stop following me" so I did just that. I went to Instagram and promptly "unfollowed" her. Within minutes I received an angry text message from her, followed by several more. I decided right then and there that I was going to let it go. I don't need to see that shit, and if it makes me uneasy that you don't feel weird doing that... then it's my choice to simply not subject myself to it, ya know? Simple.

I've also gotten on a cleaning kick. More so that normal. Monday night I cleaned out my main closet, a storage closet, and every single one of my drawers. I donated clothes, sold some, and threw some shit out. I just kind of wanted to feel "lighter", ya know. Not burdened my so much useless crap. Now... don't get me wrong, I will have way more cheap accessories than one girl could ever want or need, but I got rid of a lot of dead weight and it felt great.

Maybe this is me just getting old, but I want to feel good, be healthy, hang around people who are happy, supportive, motivated, and positive. I want to listen to, watch, and read things that make me smarter, "fill my cup", give me strength, inspiration, hope. I want to learn and teach, and give off good vibes. Call me crazy, but when you're eating shitty food, laying around stagnant, have negative friends, are bogged down with crap, watching violence, reading trash, and listening to nonsense... I don't think it's a stretch to say that it will all have an impact on how you view the world and show up in it. Right????

Who knows? Maybe I've just gone bat shit crazy...