Girl Meets Thailand: Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai. (The Self Help Hipster)

After our first three days in Bangkok we took a flight to Northern Thailand. First stop: Chiang Mai. City with a ton of temples and great coffee. Second stop: Chiang Rai. Tiny town with zero tourist and coffee so strong your blood would register at 29% caffeine.

Pictures and bullet points after the jump.

CHIANG MAI

We stayed in cute ass guest house Gongkaew, which was one of my favorite places to sleep on our vacation. It was really green all around, in the Old City Centre and at night you fell asleep listening to crickets and bull frogs.

We had a private room with a firm bed, airconditioning and a shower. I find that this is pretty much all you need in Thailand.

When I saw this picture I threw this dress straight into the dumpster. I believe in dressing for your body type and this was a lapse in judgement.

Be warned, kids: never impulse shop when you’re frustrated because Zalando didn’t deliver your order on time. It makes you buy unflattering cheap dresses.

(DAT COLOR DOE. Am I right?)

We had a massage at the Women Correctional Centre: the female prisoners there are taught and trained in Thai massage and the fee for the massage goes into their rehabilitation fund.

For me, it was blissful. The women could have torn me limb from limb and I would have been fine with it. Will was not so lucky: She hurt him so much he’d been sweaty and uncomfortable the whole time. Poor guy.

Also, we got these little fruit thingies. They were kind of like lychees.

After dinner we ended up at Cafe North, where a Thai jazz band was playing. It was really fun to listen to, so we stayed there a while with beer (Will) and mojitos (me) while I flirted with the singer of the band and Will tried to flirt with the waitress who I’m pretty sure wasn’t into dudes.

We were walking home around three, Will was kind of tipsy and no help whatsoever in finding our guest house. Just when I started to go into full-on PANIC mode he pointed at a hid away fence and was like “found it – let’s climb over!!!” I gently reminded him he had the key and if he wasn’t opening it right this second I was making him sleep in the pond.

Temples EVERWHERE. For about three days we just walked around, had food, had coffee and strolled in and out of temples.

I did a meditation class here, and I bet it would have been really cool and enlightening under the supervision of a freaking Buddhist monk — IF ONLY I COULD HAVE HEARD WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS SAYING.

I was sitting in the back with a bunch of British girls and at one point we just looked at each other like this.

On the upside, in that time I was staring into space I could still remember 40 of the original 150 Pokemon.

(Update: It has been reduced to 4, but give me an hour in complete silence while some little dude in orange mumbles a bit here and there)

I was becoming a boss in navigating with the Lonely Planet, by the by.

It took us three tries and a game of charades with the waiter, but eventually we figured this hot-pot type thing out. It wasn’t the best meal, but it was really fun.

I also count the fact that we did not get food poisoning from this adventure as divine intervention.

We went to Wat Phra Thai Doi Suthep, a temple about 6 kilometres outside of Chiang Mai.

The ride out of the city and up the hill counts as one of the nauseating experiences of my life. And I’ve seen 2 Girls 1 Cup.

4004% fucking done with temples at this point.

Will too.

So, on the last day (of course) in Chiang Mai we find that right next to our guest house is Birds Nest Cafe, this great laid-back place with these amazing organic salads.

I had a salad there. For breakfast. As well as dinner.

We then took the bus to Chiang Mai: Will watched Black Tide (terrible shark movie why Halle Berry), I watched the green surroundings while listening to the Young, Wild & Free Spotify playlist.

This song is my favorite.

OTHER CHIANG MAI THINGS WITHOUT PICTURES (you know, it happens)

We went zip lining in the jungle, which was kind of fun but also a lot like that South Park episode.

We had lunch once at Henry Restaurant, which was the worst place I’ve ever been, period. The owner was horrible to her staff and to some customers, and the staff seemed really embarrassed and uncomfortable. I can only confirm the reviews you read here and I hope the staf has quit by now.

CHIANG RAI

We arrived in our guest house Baan Rub Aroon (sweetest owner, made us breakfast, but the gate closed at 21:30, which was kind of inconvenient)

Here you see me in my natural habit: In bed, double chin, iPad in front of my face.

Please note: I did not do any of the elephant-riding because I’ve read horrible things about them* and do not want to take any chance on participating. On our way to the starting point of our jungle trek we drove past one of those places and the guide asked me if I wanted to take a picture. I didn’t want to say no.

During the trek we followed our guide through the jungle, which was muddy and slippery everywhere, but the guide was pretty confident and we had these bamboo sticks for support.

We hiked through tribal villages, I napped on someone’s porch, we had lunch with a local, swam in a waterfall (fun but I’m terrified of creepy crawlies in there!) and took this ADORABLE picture of us.

I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I needed to get my mind off the MH17 crash, the surroundings were crazy beautiful and there is something mindful and calming about hiking.

I was 3000% done by the end, though. I was tired and I started slipping and stumbling more (which was pissing me off) and also our guide walked through this web and a fucking GIANT SPIDER crawled from his hat back onto the branches and I was just like NOPE I AM LEAVING.

After the intense day, I deserved pie and coffee, obviously.

OTHER CHIANG RAI THINGS WITHOUT PICTURES

Saw a Lady Boy Show at the Night’s Market. Was cool because up at this point we hadn’t really seen any yet. It was fun. Little over the top.

We went mountain biking to the White Temple, which was so much fun. Doing sporty stuff like that with Will is really nice. The White Temple is very beautiful, as well as super creepy.

During our mountain biking Will almost got bitten by this tiny black viper snake. I’m very glad that he didn’t, because then I would have had to suck the venom out of my boyfriend’s ankle — as well as kill the snake and find a hospital within like an hour. I don’t think I would have been up for that: I don’t have a thing for ankles.

I had another Thai massage but the dude put his fingers in my ears. Weirdest happy ending ever.

After four days in Chiang Mai and three days in Chiang Rai we felt like we had seen enough of these two towns, so we took a bus back to Chiang Mai and from there we flew to Phuket. Which was…interesting.

More on that next time. Stay tuned – OK BYE!

*I really love elephants. They are a family thing to me too. My birth announcement card had two big elephants and a baby elephant on it, ‘Baby Be Mine’ turns me into an emotional wreck anytime, anyplace, and Will’s latest nickname for me is Elephante Grande, because I tend to run up and down stairs like I’m an avalanche.

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