LIGHTNING

HI GUYS! When was the last time your phone died? Isn't that just the bane of everything? You're trying to shazam some god-awful song or Snapchat your god-awful meal to some god-awful person and you forget that you have a god-awful phone because you're a god-awful phone owner and your battery just decides to bounce on you. It's like hell. No, it's beyond hell. It's hell if hell was exactly as you imagine hell to be, but that incarnation exists inside of a Sizzler. But wait, not just any Sizzler. This Sizzler is actually an in-house restaurant at an 18 club and you're there on the weekly 'Saturday Rave Trill Fest' and everyone is young, dumb, and full of some trendy drugs. Someone also just cut off your arms. That's some Dante shit on steroids. It's that kind of hell.

Most people keep a phone charger in their cars, but what about those of us that aren't as auto-friendly? Public transportation vehicles don't come with built-in cigarette lighters. (Although, wouldn't that really be something? Imagine if I could smoke on the train. Oh, what a glorious future that would be.) Over the past two years, I've started a system of carrying a giant duffel bag with me to insure that I always have a phone charger (with a USB to A/C adapter DUH), laptop charger, laptop, headphones, two changes of clothes, blowdryer, full arsenal of toiletries, granola bar, various jewelry, balled-up receipt debris, and assorted writing utensils on hand. I like to be prepared. But preparation wrecks havoc on my poor shoulders and back. It can't do it anymore. It's killing me. I'll die socially connected, wearing clean underwear, and with fresh hair, but I'll die. All to stay connected in any event. There has to be another way.

THERE IS.

Phone accessories. They're accessories for your phone, right? NO. They're accessories. And, like any accessory, one should explore the various ways that said accessory can compliment one's outfit. I don't know about you, but I experience frequent anxiety trying to dig up a sweater that matches my headphones as I dress myself. But what good are headphones if you're plugging them in to a lifeless tech-brick? Then I realized, I CAN WEAR MY PHONE CHARGER AS A BRACELET. And I did that. I guess that's it. I did that. There aren't a ton of details beyond the verbose build-up. I just discovered that my phone's USB charger makes a really cute bracelet. It probably makes a cute necklace too. I'm sure it'd be aesthetically pleasing if you stuck it up your nose, too. I don't know.

You can use it as a statement piece to convey to those around you that Hi, you wear USB cords, and Hi, you're very efficient, but, most importantly, Hi, you weren't the one who didn't bring his charger to Starbucks so it's really not in your list of obligations to be some kind of charge fairy that people can mooch off of when they're coasting at 36% and getting anxious so, like, Hi, sorry. As long as you wear your phone-charger-bracelet and you're near a USB port (which, I mean, if you aren't, should you really be wherever you ARE?), your lifeline has a line of life.

In line with the gift that is a full battery charge, I constructed a look of pieces that were mostly either gifts or kind-of gifts aside from the stupid faker glasses. My blazer came from a friend who knew that I liked cheap things that rip really quickly and it came with a giant hole in the back that I had to fix so whatever, thanks 'friend'. The beanie came from my sister who I miss everyday I miss you I miss you I miss you I can't eat any incarnation of fried chicken without my heart hurting a little please live here I love you my little dorito crumb. The pants and boots both came from work for free or nearly-free because they know I would never pay retail or half-retail or three-quarters retail for anything ever in a million years. The charger came from Apple because I sold my soul for access to emoji usage. The Coke Zero is a gift straight out of heaven.

Modern Amusement shirt, Dockers blazer, Stupid faker glasses, Standard black beanie that everyone has or should have as least 9 of, Diesel Black Gold jeans, Diesel boots, Apple bracelet, Coke Zero bottle of life energy

HOW TO BE HAPPY GUIDE BY SPENCER NIEMETZ READ THIS:

1) Replace all of your main meals with cigarettes.
2) Speckle your time between your now-cigarette meals by consuming Frito-Lay and Hershey snack food products. There is no such thing as excess while practicing step 2.
3) Wear things with USB plugs. As you gain more confidence and creativity in incorporating the USB plug into different parts of your outfit, you will inevitably reach a point where your entire look can be connected to a hard-drive and you will likely enter The Matrix.
4) Drink 6 liters of Diet Coke per day. It may seem tricky, but I consumed 2 liters just while shooting this look. It's much simpler than you think. The chemicals will embalm your skin and organs, allowing you to live forever.
5) Have a positive attitude. I achieve this through listening to Ke$ha and engaging in self-deprecating humor (which makes people think that I might not be as posi as I truly am, keeping them on their toes), but you may also do it through reading, sightseeing, playing tag, or drugs.