It could have been a brilliant career

It seems keeping up with writing isn’t something I’m very good at now. I’m not sure I understand it; the time is there, but it all seems like such a chore. It feels a little unfair saying that since this blog has been a lifesaver for me on more than one occasion, but the days of typing thousands of words regularly seem to have disappeared. Perhaps it’s simply a lack of concentration – my GP has doubled the prescription of slow-release morphine and it’s a knockout dose, even for me.

However, I do feel like writing a little tonight, if only to distract from the nagging coming from the Infamous Ankle. The prednisolone course finished yesterday; it hasn’t been particularly effective for a couple of weeks now, since the dose reduced to one a day, but I’m still worried what the next few days will bring. The morphine helps but only does so much, as the pain appears to be coming from the actual inflammation of the tendons. I now know that’s a normal symptom of psoriatic arthritis, and I’m feeling slightly bitter that there were so many signs of this over the past two years. So many signs. They could have had me on steroids earlier. The prednisolone exceeded all expectations on the higher dose and I was able to walk almost normally and my sleeping patterns improved hugely. For the first time in years I was able to see my ankle bone, and my shoes fit properly. The joy on the first day I could walk to the local shop was… well, I was very, very happy. S and I even took a walk around the block, as I haven’t been able to do that once since we moved in almost a year ago. I missed a lot, all because the doctors missed everything.

Still… can I afford to be bitter? Probably not. I’m going to be stressed enough with the inevitable return of the ankle swelling without piling more problems on top.

I also finished the methotrexate course last week. That drug has been a… nightmare. A pure case of the cure being worse than the illness. I’ve been repeatedly asking everybody why I’m putting myself through the side effects – vomiting, constant nausea, sweating like a pig, sleeplessness, mania – even though I know it was my choice. I didn’t rush into taking MTX; I considered it over a week while I waited for x-ray and blood results to check I was able to take it in the first place. I considered it incredibly carefully. In all my years of medications, I’ve never taken such a dangerous drug and it was a difficult decision. Still… I think I made the right one. If it slows the progression of the disease, surely it’ll be worth all the sleepless, sweaty nights with a bucket by my side and a helping of paranoia?

I hope so. Strangely, I feel even worse for not taking it this week. I just hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.