just keepin’ it real

Random photo — no real connection to the subject of today’s post except that I took it yesterday.

Today I don’t really have much in terms of a post, but I’m going to jot a few words down anyway, because I do want to post something. I guess it’s for the sake of “keepin’ it real”? Cuz, that’s a thing, right? Right.

And I’m just going to apologize in advance to you for reading these ramblings. Cuz you might be like, “OK, who cares! Get your sh*t together, Leah!” That’s cool. I’ve been doing this blogging thing long enough now to know that some people are going to get something out of any given post and some people are not.

Anyway, my brain feels a bit all over the place today.

Now that school is done done done, and I’ve got a bit of time before my job starts (on August 4th, and I’ll be sharing info about that as soon as I can, because I’m quite excited about it), I’ve been feeling like in every moment of the day, there are about six different things I want to be doing and/or should be doing.

I feel this, like, frantic-ness, if that’s a word, like each of those things is The Priority, and really should be done rightthissecond. Dishes! Mow the lawn! Keep the garden tidy! Deal with shit in my office! Do the freelance projects I said I would do! Take a long walk! See friends! Go drive around the Trail and walk on a beach! Cook supper! Relax!

And I can’t decide which one to do. Some of these things, really, once you do them, you just need to do them again (cleaning, especially — uggh it’s the worst) so that’s easy for me to put off and just live with. And some of these things really, I should just suck it up and do them, like the freelance projects, but then there isn’t enough time in the day and I want to go for a walk, too, and I’d really feel better and more refreshed and creative if I went for a long walk on a beach and… yeah. You can see how this all goes. It just kinda feeds itself.

But then, the flip side is, I really hate that frantic feeling. I don’t want to be stressed out. I don’t want to feel like my neighbours are judging me, like my family is judging me, on how my garden is kept, on how often the lawn is mowed, on how the house is kept. That makes me feel angry, it makes me feel stressed out and not happy.

I’d say that mostly, when I feel that frantic-ness, I’m able to stop, and take a deep breath. And think: “Oh well! So X and Y didn’t get done. At least Z did!” And I’m able to focus on what’s good, on hanging with my fella, on the sunshine, on the roof over our heads.

I partly think I’m sharing this info with you all so that if you’re feeling the same way, you can feel a bit better. And I could also tell myself that it’s because I want you all to know that I really do not have it all together, and I’m just as unsure as anyone else, so please don’t feel like “oh my goodness, that Leah has it together!” But really, it’s just because I need to vent a little.

So, yeah! Keepin’ it real. That’s where I’m at these days. On the positive side, one big antidote to this feeling is the word “No,” and using it as a tool to stay focussed and not take on too much. I was chatting with a friend who owns her own business, yesterday, and we were talking about this burnout and balance “thing,” you know, the whole trying-to-keep-things-balanced-and-keep-ourselves-happy thing. I said, “Yeah, as women we’re never really taught how to say no.” So we have to teach ourselves.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Hope you’re having a great day, a not-so-frantic day. And as always, I would love to hear your thoughts.