The music in me

I’m supposed to be writing about art destinations for work. But my mind is so preoccupied with music that I can’t concentrate! ARGH.

At such moments it’s really pointless to try and stem the tide – whether it’s a barrage of words or a strong urge to play music, or what… so I generally just let things flow in order to be able to move on with whatever it is I originally wanted to do.

So music. Where do I begin.

So compelling, yet I keep my distance.
Very thought provoking, and calming at the same time.
It is a way of being.
It is the only other way I know to express myself other than through words.
It is intimate, and all-consuming.
And with that comes the greatest fear,
of revealing all that I am.

Words… I can tweak them.
But music… it says everything.
Either you feel, or you don’t.
You can’t mask your feelings,
or at least I can’t.

That’s probably why TALKING about music makes me feel fake, incompetent, an impostor…

I feel like I know it, yet I don’t.

Who will be so critical about tone, pitch, timbre, resonance…
feel so strongly about the weight of the piano keys and their responsiveness,
yet can’t identify chord progression nor play a simple accompaniment by ear?
Are my ears playing tricks on me??

Some days I want so very much to get back into it.
But most others, I can’t even bring myself to touch the piano keys.
And when I do, it feels like I’m barely touching the surface.
Like I can’t go any further.

Whenever my mind thinks of the dream home… the one I built in my early childhood, I always picture myself being in my own large music & dance studio. When I’m not playing or dancing, I’ll be lying down spread-eagled on the floor, doing nothing but simply being. Letting the music wash over me. And not having to care about anything else. Because the studio is private. The door is locked and no one can disturb me. In fact, in my imagination I have never seen where the studio door is supposed to be. I don’t really care. I’m not going out, neither is anyone coming in.

Well this is an abrupt end, but for all that matters, it is now past 11am. And I’m on half day. And I have to make myself finish this one thing at work before I leave today. So it’s time to close the tap, lock-up the well of emotions and clear my mind to make space for… art destinations.

Yes that’s what I need to think about. Interesting art destinations people will love to visit this summer. What each place offers, etc…

Funny how every time I’m writing these monthly notes at work, I need to have a separate ‘rough paper’ space to jot down my jumbled thoughts so that I can write properly.