Let’s “Parent Trap” Martha & Gwyn

Martha, darling! Of course you’re appropriately on-time, which is actually ten minutes late to give me, the hostess, a few final minutes of prep. You’re so thoughtful. And did you get a blowout? Let me take your coat. Have a seat, have a drink, the other guests haven’t arrived yet. I’ll be right there — just heard the door bell ring.

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Gwyneth, what’s up girl! You look so perfectly flushed, like you knew exactly the right weight of jacket and fair-trade scarf to wear without having to text your mom who lives in a different state. Would you like me to take that scarf or is it part of your outfit? Great. Come on upstairs, you’re the first one here.

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Ok, guys, please don’t be mad at me for tricking you both into being here, but I watched the Mindy Project last week where Morgan Parent-Trapped Jeremy and Peter and I was reminded just how effective an ambushed reunion could be. Yes, Gwyneth. Peter did get fire thrown at him, which is why you’ll notice all artisanal candles in the surrounding area are not lit. Yes they’re made from locally sourced beeswax, Gwyn.

No Martha, I did not breed the bees myself and for that I apologize. This is about you two though. You two, and healing.

Martha, all of this started when you told Gwyneth that she needed to be quiet (in regards to Goop). I believe your direct quote was, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

Gwyneth, please stop laughing. Martha Stewart is one of three people in this world who are important enough that they have been granted universal and celestial permission to refer to themselves in the third person without sounding like the Pick Up Artist, or a toddler. It’s like being knighted. Actually Martha, you’ve been knighted right?

Anyway, Gwyn. You responded quite elegantly: “No one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I really am.” Look at you with the sarcasm and stuff!

Now, Martha. Let’s be real. You run an empire. You have street cred. You wore pearls in jail. You have a billion dogs and yet have mastered the ability to wear black without a single piece of dog hair on it — that’s success. You’re Martha Stewart! Seeing Goop as competition might be a stretch for you, I get that. But you’re a strong female who built something amazing; you have nothing to prove by knocking Gwyn here.

Gwyn, hang on a second. Yes. I did just see that “Conscious Coupling” story in the November Issue of Martha Stewart Living. Martha, that was a little shady. That was actually both hyper-shady and kind of hilarious but Martha, it was too soon. Too soon.

Now Gwyn, as for you and your perfect smattering of freckles (have those been there the whole time??), maybe you could have made a better effort to include Martha in your decision to hire Living’s former CEO. Maybe you could have sent over some freshly baked vegan muffins wrapped with recycled newspapers stamped with Martha’s birthday. Did you send her a card? Gwyneth. You and I both know that Hallmark doesn’t count! That’s even worse than not sending a card. Tsk tsk.

But listen you two. Let’s just put this feud behind us. Think of what a world this could be if you guys joined forces? Maybe, Martha, you could have Gwyneth do a little column in your magazine. A play on words thing. She’s very clever with that. Or what about having Gwyn pair baby names with seasonal fruit?

And Gwyneth, maybe you could let Martha do something for Goop. Maybe an Ask Abby-type feature? For example: Dear Martha, how do I maintain my aristocratic New England accent during my upcoming two-year stint in prison? It’s not the prison I worry about so much as it is that the prison is located in Western New York where their dialect is far different from my own!

Is that a smile I see? The promise of one, at least? Come on you two, if nothing else, do it for the kids.