Dear Diary, It’s Me, Mindy

Let’s just this tell this episode like it is: a great excuse for Mindy Kaling to show off her sweet new bangs. They were the perfect combination of styled yet slightly tousled, thrown a little bit to the side like Françoise Hardy and accessorized bravely with a sparkly eyepatch. My grandfather had an eyepatch, and while I respect his choice in simplicity I have to hand it to Dr. Lahiri for knowing when a bedazzler is or isn’t appropriate. (It is always appropriate.)

Equally important to note was her on-point, bubble gum pink outfit that both a nod to mod and also, the teacher with OCD from Glee.

For those who don’t watch — Mindy was wearing an eyepatch because her and Danny were attempting to sleep Share-House-Style, which is like the G-rated equivalent of a 69 formation. Mindy tickled his foot and Danny kicked her in the eye.

She faked an injury in order to win guilt points that would finally convince Danny to sleep at her place for once — hers is a PB Teen throw pillow palace of bright colors and embroidered flowers, whereas his is a bachelor pad that kind of looks like the apartment on The New Girl. Danny finally concedes, comes over, and then because of work*, Mindy has to suddenly leave.

Danny is left to his own devices. He finds himself confused by bath beads, says hello to a cat, finds himself overwhelmed by pillows and then, because this wouldn’t be a true sitcom without the following line: he finds her diary.

Obviously he reads it.

Mindy’s diary is a tribute to her fictional crushes and the actresses love for a narration, and while nothing’s shocking Danny keeps reading, because when you have a diary in front of you, Human Law proves you will read it.

Human Law also proves you will either get caught or come so close to getting caught that you spill wine all over it, as he did, which naturally meant that Dr. Hugh Grant had to offer up his calligraphy services in order to create an exact replica of her words followed by the discovery that Mindy is looking for that ring by spring.

Dear Danny isn’t ready — they’ve only been dating for 7 months — so he goes into a mild panic and sweats a lot.

(Long story short: Mindy doesn’t notice the diary has been re-written by a 30-something year old British man, and Danny, while clearly unsettled by the discovery, ends the episode by sleeping at Mindy’s apartment, so for now, they’re fine.)

Meanwhile, at the hospital…

*Here’s where the asterisk comes in. Mindy had Tamra covering for her teaching shift that’s she’s technically required to uphold considering Shulman & Associates is affiliated with a teaching hospital. Dr. Cop catches her, calls Mindy, hence why Mindy had to leave.

More importantly, we learn that Peter Prentice is an EAR TALKER. This is major news because up until this point I think we the viewers have been falling in love with Peter, but EAR TALKING (must be written in all caps!!!) is the ultimate deal breaker. Nothing is worse than someone who inserts their lips into the caves of your ears to distill your wax with their breath, the whole while being completely unresponsive to the fact that your head is practically crashing into your shoulder to escape the terrible, horrifyingly confusing feeling of being simultaneously tickled and accidentally turned on. If I were Mindy I would have kicked Peter in the eye with my toe as Danny did to her.

SAFETY PSA: Tickling is a most dangerous weapon.

Two more important things happened: Mindy accidentally mentored TJ, the “Dougie Houser but at a normal age” who we kind of hate at first but then knight him as your new man crush. He gained sympathy points when Mindy drank his Gatorade. Votes on him becoming regular?

Votes on quiet Candice becoming a regular as well?

And now the moment you all were waiting for, and excerpt from Dr. Tamra Webb’s inspirational intern poetry:

“I am honored, elated — nay, overjoyed — to man the helm of this exquisite ship of your education.”

Go forth and prosper, Mindy watches and non-watchers alike. Just do it in the comments section first.