5 Commandments to Thriving as a “Caretaker”
I dropped off some soup to a good friend recently because she was working, as she usually does on a Saturday, and I was thinking it would be nice if she came home to a nice dinner. She lives up the block from me so it didn’t feel like too much trouble.
Truth is that same weekend I did a lot of favors. I walked a friend’s dog while she was away for the weekend, picked up my sister at the bus stop when she worked late, and helped my other sister with her two little boys. Often people find this puzzling because I am a single mom and when my children go to their dad on the weekend I am often not doing as much relaxing or partying as one might imagine.
Truth is, I love doing nice things for the people I care about. It makes me feel good. I give out to the world the love and caring I would hope to get back
I’ve been called a classic “caretaker.”
What kind of person is a caretaker?
If you look it up in Psychology Today they will tell you I have some issues…
A caretaker puts the needs of others before their own. They aren’t really good at taking care of themselves. They have a hard time saying No. They are usually out to “fix” or “save” their partner. They do not like conflict. A lot of times they have low self esteem and anger issues. They can’t understand why others do not behave the same way. In essence, this trait develops due to certain experiences during their youth. The caretaker normally would have been brought up in a home where their emotional needs were not met. It would not be uncommon for a child of an addict or a child with a parent who is somehow unwell to become a caretaker as an adult.
Hmmm… so I took a really long look at myself in the last few years.
The process of self-discovery
The divorce:
I went though a divorce between 2009 and 2010. Looking back, I would say the relationship was flawed from the start. With hindsight I can definitely see that I entered into the relationship as the caretaker. I actually knew it. I remember thinking that he is a good guy, he just needs a little direction. He was very happy to be taken care of for the most part. My ability to take charge and run with it suited him fine. It felt normal and comfortable. I was happy to do it.
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