My Blog Is One Big Fat Lie

Well, not entirely.

Let me explain.
We all love entertainment. Books, movies, athletic events, strip clubs, The Ice Capades, Thunder From Down Under…we spend a good portion of our living on being entertained. Because without it, we would be bored as hell. We don't spend money to sit and watch Harry eat his macaroni and cheese or to witness Gertrude knitting on the front porch.
Because that would be boring, and a colossal waste of coinage. Unless knitting is an aphrodisiac for you, or bathing in mac and cheese gets your rocks off. Then by all means, spend away. At least go into debt for something that has meaning in your life.
Seriously though, we all love entertainment. And even in this little niche we call blogging, that carnal rule still applies. Readers want to be entertained. They want to laugh or cry (hopefully from laughter, because real tears? #lame) and they want excitement. And let's face it…most people's lives just aren't that exciting.
It's not exciting to read about a blogger going to the grocery store (unless some bitch insults your children) nor is it exciting to read about what someone had for lunch. Sure, tons of bloggers write about just those things, and some people may read it, but I sure don't.
Because it's boring.
The blogs I read religiously all have an extra oomph to them. They leave me laughing in stitches or sitting in awe like, what in the hell did I just read? They are the ones that leave you thinking, "this is almost too good to be true."
And it usually is. Just like the love story in The Notebook and Four from the Divergent series…there is a reason why every girl on the planet is obsessed with both…because neither exist but both are so romantic and amazing and magical and it's what every girl wants but knows they will never have. So they live vicariously through alternate means. (Any newlyweds out there? That dreamy feeling won't last. Trust me. It won't. It never does. Take it from someone married almost 10 years. I know you think you're the minority but you aren't. Sorry to ruin your life.)
I always think about a certain article I read once. A guy named Nik Richie was a guest on The Dr. Phil show a few years ago. If you don't know who Nik Richie is, he has a website where anyone can submit dirt on people they know in real life. (It's a hot mess of slut-shaming, gossiping and whorish fornication. Basically all my favorite things.)
Anyway, Nik Richie talked about his experience being on the Dr. Phil show. He said how while on stage, in front of an audience, Dr. Phil reamed him a new one. He told how Dr. Phil totally made him out to be a monster and made disparaging and condescending remarks the entire time during his segment. But then, when the show was over and Nik Richie was back in the green room getting ready to leave the studio, Dr. Phil popped in and patted him on the back and said, "hey, sorry about all that out there. You seem like a nice guy, we should get together and play golf sometime."
Because Dr. Phil had an image to portray. He had a successful tv show and he knew how to work his audience. Dr. Phil knew that if he treated Nik Richie pleasantly and was non-confrontational, his ratings would go down. Dr. Phil ain't stupid, and he knows that in order to keep his audience interested and to keep his tv show at the top of the ratings chart, he needs to up the entertainment factor a few notches, and embellishing and exaggerating are just par for the course.
It's all for show. Which is why when his money-making audience wasn't watching, he went back to being plain ol' normal run-of-the-mill Phillip McGraw who asks scumbags like Nik Richie to golf.
Phillip McGraw would never have a successful talk show. But Dr. Phil does, and Dr. Phil is an amazing actor. An illusion. At the same time, not just anybody could have a successful talk show. His show is 50% Phil McGraw and 50% Dr. Phil. Does that make any sense?
How about this. My blog is 50% girl in her undies who shaves her toe hairs and 50% creator of Don't Quote The Raven. I don't quite right out lie, yet I don't quite always tell the truth.
And this is why: my average every day life? Kids, school, caravan, lunches, day drinking…not blog worthy. Not anything that would bring readers back day after day to read this here little blog.
So, I stretch the truth a bit from time to time. Not afraid to admit it, not scared of the repercussions because even though most might not admit it themselves, you all know you do too.
Entertainers entertain. Comedians entertain. Actors entertain. Those peckers from Thunder Down Under entertain. Entertainment is a business and it makes money. Boringness and insipidity does not.
Now, let me also be clear. I'm not saying my entire blog is a lie. Some events that scream "over the top" really did happen exactly as I described.
Like that time a vacuum cleaner salesman scared the shit out of my kid.
Or when I revealed my true self.
Or that time I experienced a sled dog ride from hell.
All true, all legit, no fiction added.
But then we have things like when I declare my hatred for redheads. I mean, do I really hate gingers? No. I hate burping up bile.
But would I ever allow one in my home? Hell no. And that's the God honest truth.
Let's put it this way. Whenever my friends or family want to know what I've been up to lately, they don't catch up on my blog. They know it's all bullshit so they usually just call me on the phone and say, "what have you been up to lately?" They know they will get a much more realistic answer than if they read my "I confess sesh" posts.

Blogging is more so about storytelling. Taking the truth and giving it a little spin. People don't want ordinary, they want extraordinary, even if the truth gets fudged a little.
Friends of mine that started out as solely "blog friends," once they got to know me either did one of two things: ran for the hills and never looked back or decided I was even more awesomer than I portrayed on my blog and fell deeply in love with me.
The latter are so my favorite.
Anyway. My point is this: if it seems too good to be true, if someone's life seems too amazing to comprehend, if after reading someone's fifty part love story it seems as if Ryan Gosling is about to jump out of the computer screen and make mad passionate love to you… it's probably all one big lie!
Except when I blogged about mine.
All true.

Unfortunately.