Weakness/Strength

weak·ness
ˈwēknəs/
noun

1. 
   "the state or condition of lacking strength"
   

The past few weeks I have been in a weird funk. I am not sure if its the fall weather making my head spin or what but I just feel blah. I am sure the Halloween candy binge did not help one bit but I am trying my darndest to get out of the funk. I have realized that it's not only me, I would say 90% of my friends are also feeling the tug at them...
I have openly shared a few times my wonderful postpartum hell episode after the birth of Luke and also Sam this past year. I am not sure how I skipped the madness with Vincent and Jude but nonetheless the horror of those dark and anxiety ridden times still makes me cringe. Last year was hands down the hardest times in my life. The overwhelming anxiety that came on like a freight train is still in the back of my mind. I am trying my best to not think back to those moments but it is so hard. I seriously want to cry thinking about how I spent last Christmas Eve at home with Sam while Jordan took the older boys to his dads for our regular Christmas activities. I was having anxeity attacks left and right and could not sleep, I would lay in bed for hours awake and have another anxiety attack come and it turned in to this horrid vicious cycle. I went no joke almost 2 days without sleep. It was so horrible. I wanted complete silence in the house so I could try to sleep and let's face it with 4 children that will never happen. I was so angry with myself and also with everyone around me. I did not want to feel this way and it would not stop so I just fell apart. I am not 100% sure if I shared all the details when I blogged about this the first time but I will just lay it out there because I know my weakness will help someone else to push.
I was sobbing on the floor, just falling down and could not stop myself. I literally am tearing up over this. I had went to my doctor and she got me on Zoloft. I did not want to take anything stronger since I was nursing. And Sam by the way was the most amazing baby ever. He slept like an angel which also made this all 10 times worse. My baby was sleeping, why wasn't I? Anyways here I was sobbing in our room with Jordan and I could not control my emotions. I felt completely helpless. I did not know what to do. My doctor said it would take a few weeks for the medicine to kick in so in the meantime I had to try my best to get through it. These were literally the longest days of my life. You have to legit take it one day at a time. I was a sobbing zombie at this point. Trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible. Literally taking it one panic attack at a time. I called my friends who had been through this and I read stories upon stories about working through it! The thing that sucked is that not sleeping makes anxiety worse so I was just an utter train wreck. If I slept two hours it was a freaking miracle.
I finally called my parents a few days after Christmas sobbing and asking them to come get me so Sam and I could stay at their house where it was completely quiet and rest for a few days. They are honestly so amazing and drove up here and helped nurse me back to health! They took care of Sam as much as they could and I finally got some sleep! It took a few weeks to get back on my feet. And actually a few months to start feeling more like myself. I had wanted to be off of zoloft by now but it just isn't in the cards right now. My goal was to have weaned by now but my anxiety level still creeps up at times and it literally freaks me out to ever let it get out of control like it was after Sam's birth. I remember my doctor tell me that "If something is working, why would you stop it" and that is my mindset towards zoloft right now. I will know when it is time and I will choose!
Jordan and I talk a lot about having another child and I honestly want to sob. I love our kids so much and I honestly could not imagine not having each one of them and the one thing that is holding me back from more is the post partum hell I went through after Sam. One day this all may change but for now I just want to live in the moment and be happy! I am so fulfilled and so in love with our family and I am so blessed. I am blessed for my friends who helped me through the drama and also just for being able to talk openly with other women about this.
The reason that sparked me even writing this is that a friend I met through blogging reached out to me today and told me what an inspiration I was to her. She is not only as healthy as she has ever been but has been able to wean off of her anxiety medicine. We chatted about how sharing our weakness brought us closer and helps us bond on a deeper level. There is such a stigma about mental health and being weak if you take anxiety medicine or depression medicine. It needs to stop!! We have imbalances. It happens. That is life. We need to support each other and love each other and not isolate someone for something so silly. Jordan will never fully understand the anxiety situation, but he understands just how deep it strikes me. He nursed me through those attacks and sobbing fits and semi gets an idea how serious it was but unless you actually go through an attack and feel those rushes of feelings taking over your body you will never understand. I never wish it upon anyone.
So to anyone who is going through a rough patch or anxious period, please know that this soon will pass. You are NOT weak, you are actually the complete opposite and a total badass for enduring the raw and crazy roller coster! You are STRONGER than you can ever imagine. I honestly am looking forward to getting over this hump of coming up on Sams first birthday and being in a much better place. It angers me so much that I missed so many precious moments of those first months being anxious but it is what it is. All I can do is hug that little boy tight as we go through the holidays together this year as a whole family. It will be a tiny victory for me and I know that through it all I am so blessed.