Bad Naked

Pray for me.

There are things in this world that simply cannot be unseen.

A DayGlo orange penis hovering near your face, for instance. That would be something you cannot reverse. It will be forever burned into your retinas as well as your psyche.

I suppose you’d like me to explain myself.

In many cities in the northern hemisphere, the summer solstice is a time of celebrating the longest day of the year and the promise of long, sun-drenched days. Often these celebrations culminate in a parade or festival. And, at many of these parades and festivals, otherwise rational people often turn into crazed, naked druids.

Or at least I’m assuming they are normally rational. That could be the first flaw in my theory.

In the past I had always avoided these types of festivals, less because of the crazy naked factor and more because parking is terrible.

I’m nothing if not practical.

So, imagine my response when, quite by accident, I ended up driving right through the middle of one of these nude celebrations. Sitting at a traffic light, I was suddenly surrounded by an array of naked, body-painted bicyclists. Turning my head to the left, there hung my aforementioned DayGlo orange penis exactly at eye level.

(I say MY DayGlo orange penis because, in my world, if I see your penis, we have some level of relationship. If your junk is six inches from my face, we are dating and I at least got a nice dinner first.)

Which brings me to the whole naked bike riding thing (yes, it’s a thing). This seems about as practical an activity as operating a deep fryer in the nude.

From Portland to Chicago to London, some lunatic nudist (fantastic band name, by the way) decided at some point that everyone should become one with their bike seats.

Or, if you are in Portland, Oregon, your unicycle seat.

A quick note to nude cyclists: Please keep in mind that all that body paint does, indeed, smear when you sit. So, just know that when you walk around in your head-to-toe DayGlo body paint, you have a flesh colored strip going up your back side.

I feel compelled to make you aware of this even though it is very apparent you could give a rat’s nuts what you look like.

Lest I sound like a total and complete prude here, let me say that I do not begrudge these people their constitutional right to make bad decisions in a public arena. It’s kind of what our country was built on.

However, I live my life as if I dwell in a Victorian funeral home with black crepe over the mirrors, only, instead of preventing the deceased from getting trapped in the looking glass, I am preventing the image of my naked self from being trapped in my own eye sockets thereby rendering me blind.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we simply have to look away. It’s for the best.

So I look at (or avert my eyes from) these free spirits with a level of admiration.

They have no body shame, which is another building block of our civilization. They don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks and are having the time of their lives. They are living in their naked moment.

Thank god for sensible footwear.

Though, that moment won’t look quite as intriguing when they are trying to get lead paint out of their meat and two veg later in the night.

So, happy summer!! I support you in your dedication to flying your freak flag. Though I, for one, will just be sure to choose route option #2 on my GPS next time.