How to handle a crisis…or not

I was going to tell you about pool running at 6am, cheating on Starbucks with Peets Coffee while killing an hour for TJ’s to open, but life happened last night. And that is FAR more entertaining so here ya go.

While cleaning up after dinner, {potato soup from the Skinny Taste cookbook in case you are wondering} I tuned on the garbage disposal. After turning it off, I heard a not so peaceful waterfall esq sound. I looked down to see water flooding out of the cabinet under the sink.

Son of a nutcracker.

After standing in shock for like 4.4 seconds, and lets be real who wants to touch yucky, filthy sink water? You bust open the doors, knock cleaning products out of the way {oh the irony} and found the nearest yucky water catcher. The crockpot that I JUST freaking washed happened to work just fine.

Then pace around the house yelling son of a nutcracker along with other obscenities while dog enjoys a peaceful REM cycle on the nice, CLEAN comfy couch. Don’t expect sympathy, help or even a slight head elevation. No treats or dog park? Not gonna happen.

Towels that were just washed and put away? Sure, why not? Onto the floor they go to sop up the yucky, filthy sink water.

Call the husband, calmly cheerfully say hi honey, how are you doing? Are you extremely busy? Okay not to stress you out, but the kitchen sink just leaked water all over the floor, under the stove trash can. BUT don’t worry, it’s all under control.

Pull out phone, take picture, post it on social media, enjoy folks who can laugh with you over life. Then text BFF since you’ve done all you can and just thinking about the gazillion germs covering the kitchen, floors, etc is enough to make you want to drown your anxiety with a bottle of cheap wine or take a couple Xanax. Maybe both. At the same time.

Approximately 12 minutes later husband arrives. The scene does not look near as bad as wife made it out to be {does it ever?} because she cleaned it up faster than a murder who committed the crime. And lets face it, she is possibly a germaphobe.

Check on dog, find him chewing his butt. Typical.

Husband pulls out a flashlight because he ALWAYS has one in his pocket to examine assess damage. Tightens some white pipe {technical term, keep up yo} turns on the water disposal. Watches sink fill up on both sides, says don’t touch it I gotta go back to work.

10-4 rubber ducky.

Sit down and write a dumb blog post because the idea of taking a bubble bath and going to bed at 6:50 pm is sounding like one of the best ideas you’ve had in a looooong time.

Check Insta, find out you lost a follower over the REAL LIFE post, laugh your ass off and say good riddance, you humorless cotton headed ninny muggins.

Hours go by, decide to throw the white flag up and take a bubble bath and head to bed. As soon as you slip into comfy, warm bed husband comes home. Typical.

Pours entire container of Draino down sink, doesn’t work. Eats dinner while wife watches Christmas Vacation and goes to sleep.

Wake up, sink is empty, but not fixed.

Crap.

Make a giant cup of coffee, sit in living room. The kitchen is dead to you.

Based on a true story.