How to Keep the THRIVE ALIVE in a Changing Marriage

Life is constantly changing, so it should come as no surprise that your relationships would change as well. Look at the "life cycle" of a relationship if you will. You meet someone, you like them. What do you do? Try to see them again. You end up spending more time with them and getting to know them even more. You then decide if you are going to want to continue to see them or move on. You may even see yourself becoming more comfortable with this person and therefore really being yourself. Maybe you like them so much you choose to be exclusive, or as I say, an "offish cup" (abreves for official couple). Then things progress and I dare say (gasp) change. Hopefully, if you have invested a lot of time and truly love the person your biggest change will be from girlfriend to wife, if not, you will break free and rediscover your single-self. Either way, that is a lot of changing to be had.

Lately, I have seen a lot of change in my relationship. However, it has been rather subtle. Before we were married the changes seemed more drastic. That sort of growing up/getting out of college/this is who we really are phase. Becoming married wasn't too major because by that time we had pretty much established our relationship and what we wanted out of life. However, now, as we finally prepare to be parents it is like our relationship is really changing...and for the better.

These days I am always tired and slacking a bit on my wifely duties (granted that is to be expected as I grow two babies), but it often leaves me feeling helpless. I can't do as much around the house, I can't move things, I can't stand too long; all in all I am just not myself. My TH (who is usually more than well taken care of ) has picked up a tremendous amount of my slack and never makes me feel slightly bad about it. He is always doing what needs to be done. He never sighs or looks at me funny if I ask him to do something I normally took care of and goes above and beyond to keep me stress free and comfortable. Our roles have shifted a bit and we both have had to adjust to it.

When new changes in life come into your marriage or relationship you have to strive to keep the thrive alive. Just the other night my TH was frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, "It is just one thing after the other"...My response? "Yes honey, that is life. It is how we deal with those 'things' that is what matters, so let's get through it together".

How does one accept changes and keep the thrive alive you may ask?

1. Communicate: First and foremost, talk to each other, then talk some more, then a bit more for good measure. Don't let the other one get off the hook with the whole, "Nothing's wrong" bit, that is a bunch of crap. You know it, I know it, so cut it. It's obvious something is wrong, so either come out with it or get over it.

2. Know when to give space: If the other person refuses to discuss what is on their mind, then leave it and them alone. I know my patience runs very thin when my TH wants to pretend nothing is wrong when it is so totally clear that something is up. So, I just say, "Ok, well I am getting a different vibe from you which is telling me something is wrong, so when you are ready to talk I will be ________" and peace out. Sometimes no attention and some space is what the other person needs.

3. Be patient and understanding. Allow the other person to work it out in their own way. I know my coping strategies are much different from my TH. I like to work out until I can't move, he likes to sit and drink a beer in peace. We know that about each other and honor what the other needs.

4. Welcome changes and go with the flow. With change comes adaptation. Learn to adapt to the changes life brings together. My TH and I are so excited to be parents and seem to be closer than ever while preparing for our boys. We know our lives are going to change but see each other as our biggest supporter and teammate. We look to each other for strength and have communicated at length about the changes coming in our future and how we can work together to embrace each one.

5. Make time for each other. While we don't have the babies yet, we are still both very busy. Despite it all, we know that no time is more special than our quiet alone time. We are happy to turn down invitations to go out knowing that our time together is what we both really want. We savor our moments and truly enjoy being together.

6. Don't stop trying. I love my TH more than is possible to express, but I never stop trying. Even though I can't tornado around the house in a fury like I used to making every inch perfect for him, I can tell him how much I appreciate him. I can offer to do things I know he enjoys. I can choose to be positive when we are together. I never give up on making our relationship stronger and welcome any life challenge that is thrown at us.

7. Remember why you fell in love. When the stressful times come (weddings, homes, job changes, financial struggles, babies, babies and more babies) take a moment to step back from it all and remember who you are in this with. Your best friend, your partner and (hopefully) the love of your life. You can do anything if you work together acknowledge the problem, then focus on the solution. Remember who you fell in love with and why you fell in love with them. Think of a funny memory and sit back and laugh for a second.

All you can do is control yourself and your ability to thrive. Why not take each change that comes into your marriage with open arms and work as a team to embrace it and make the best of it. Sounds pretty nice right?