Starting Over

This blog post is coming straight from the heart. Something that I not only need to be honest with myself but also with the world in general.

On Monday I had surgery. I was scheduled to have my lapband removed and then have gastric bypass surgery. Since November I have been going to appointments, tests and everything in between to qualify for this surgery. When I first had my lapband in August 2009, I lost 100lbs in a little less than two years. Then I became pregnant and broke my foot and slowly gained more weight and as of November weighed more than I did before having my lapband.

I was very open and honest when I had my lapband, this time around I was ashamed that I had gained weight back and had failed yet again. I told very few people, never blogged or put it on Facebook. So why now? Well things have changed.

I woke up from surgery Monday morning and was wheeled into my hospital room. One look at Marc's face and I knew something wasn't right. He told me that things didn't go as expected, I had a perforation in my stomach that they had to repair and they were unable to do the gastric bypass after they removed my lapband. To say I was devastated was an understatement, I still am. My surgeon has told me that in 2-3 months I can still have the gastric bypass but right now I am not really wanting another surgery. I have Violet and Marc to think of. I do not want to do permanent damage to my organs and many other reasons why I don't think it would be best for me.

This leads me to this blog post. Here I am. 31 years old. Overweight doesn't even begin to describe it, I am morbidly obese. Looking at not being able to have more babies, dying young, not being able to enjoy family vacations or even get down on the floor comfortably with my daughter.

My goals with surgery were to lose 50lbs by our trip to Disney in May and another 50lbs by October where I am signed up to compete in a Disney race.

It seems very daunting right now to achieve these goals all on my own. I'm scared, sad, terrified, angry and want to cry. But I have to try. I have to succeed. My ultimate goal is to lose 200lbs total. Which seems completely hopeless but I'm going to focus on smaller increments.

I'm going to end this post with a trip down memory lane from when I was successful with weight loss and where I am starting now. I'm sure my weight loss will become a regular topic on here because I need to hold myself accountable.