On Loving Boldly
There are times in my life where I have made missteps. I have stepped clumsily on the feelings of people I love. Sometimes this was unintentional and other times it was because I was selfish or immature and made a decision that might have worked more for myself than others I could have put first.
I am sorry for these times. In certain cases, the memories pain me and I wish I could go back and do things a little differently. More gently. With more wisdom than I had back then.
I don’t like to think of myself as someone who hurts others but I have to evaluate things honestly here. Just as I put so much into giving in a way that I think shows how boldly I would like to love, there is always the possibility that in that boldness, I may inadvertently step on someone’s toes and cause some collateral damage.
So here we are.
I find myself in a situation where I have hurt someone. Someone I love deeply. Someone I would never want to hurt under any circumstances. But in my desire to love that person, I made a choice that carries some heavy implications with it.
Now I am left with barrels – no, truckloads – of pain. I don’t believe all of it is rightfully directed at me, but I also understand that when you are hurt, you make a choice on where the blame will be placed.
In this case, the choice is me.
It’s hard to be excited about welcoming a new year when I carry such a heavy heart over how 2013 is ending, knowing that someone I love is in pain. It’s a pain that I can’t take away – no matter how much I love, no matter how much I care, no matter how much I wish I could help.
I guess you can say that I learned a lot this year, with a greater intensity than I was ready for. I realize that while there are some things I would have changed about this current situation that were in my control (very little is), there are some things I am more certain of than ever as we head into 2014.
- I will continue to love boldly, even when it’s scary. Even when it’s easier to walk away. Even when I’d rather hole up in my bed and cuddle up with my computer and hide behind my screen from what’s really out there.
- I will not beat myself up for caring. I will not beat myself up for wanting to make things better. I will not beat myself up for believing that everyone deserves to be happy.
- I cannot be a savior and it’s not my job to be. I want to help someone I believe is wounded but I am not in a position to administer these types of wounds. Sometimes the only person who can put the the band-aid on the wound is the same person who doesn’t realize how profusely she is bleeding.
I pray that 2014 is a year of change, a year of renewal and a year of rekindled hope for people I love. I hope that it’s a year where dreams reawaken and journeys – even potentially hard ones – take flight. I hope it’s a year where families can rebuild bridges that have burned, because some things are too important and need to be pulled from the remnants of that fire.
Friends, I hope that in 2014 you love boldly. Even when it’s scary. Even when it seems better to walk away. Even when it’s easier to not fight the fire.
Signing out for 2013 with a prayer that your lives are filled with light in 2014.
Love,
Kiran
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