We Are Mental: Meet Joanna
Hi, I'm Joanna and I blog over at Modest Momma Fashion. I am a wife to an amazing man, a mother to three beautiful girls: Lily (9), Margot (2) and Evan (6 months). Like Kelley, I also wear too much blush and love fashion. I am saved by Grace and redeemed by Christ, which is probably the best thing I can ever say about myself! This is my postpartum depression story...
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I left the hospital after giving birth to my daughter Margot with a pink sheet of paper that had various toll-free phone numbers and links for postpartum depression support/help. I was supposed to immediately call or visit a website if I felt down or blue - specifically, more down or more blue than what is normal for after giving birth- whatever that might mean.
In the days and weeks following Margot's birth, I felt surprisingly great. I had suffered through hyperemesis gravidirum with my last two pregnancies (and gestational diabetes with Margot), so just by virtue of not being pregnant any longer, I was already feeling so much better. Nursing presented itself as a major challenge, a very difficult endeavor to say the least, but I still felt alright. I saw myself thinning out from the whopping forty pounds I gained and I thought was resting as much as I could for having a six year old and a newborn at home. Things were great, or at least normal.
At my six week postpartum appointment, I waltzed into my doctors office ready to hear how awesome I was recovering and go about my day. When my doctor started asking the standard questions and being visibly concerned with my answers, I knew something wasn't right.
She asked how much sleep I was getting and I admitted that sleep was sometimes difficult because of nursing and how sometimes I felt very tired, but couldn't sleep- even when Margot was asleep because I couldn't shut my thoughts off. She asked if I ever let anyone else help with Margot in the night so I could get a few hours of sleep and I was horrified by her suggestion- let someone else feed Margot? Was she insane? I never wanted anyone else to hold her, let alone feed her.
My doctor continued her interrogation and tried as directly and calmly as she could to suggest I was suffering from postpartum OCD/Anxiety. I basically told her she was crazy for thinking it. Certainly it was fine to prohibit others, even my husband, from holding the baby while on the tile (or helping in any way: no giving baths, burping, changing, feeding, cuddling of any kind could be allowed). Of course it was normal to have a sanitization routine in place for all items belonging to or sharing space with Margot. Obviously, it was common sense to never, ever let anything happen to the baby NO MATTER WHAT. Any diligent, caring, loving mom would know that and this silly, clearly misguided woman was overreacting.
I left her office in such a frenzy of emotion that day. How could anyone possibly think I had PPD/OCD/Anxiety?
As time went on, I started slowly seeing other symptoms, though at the time I was still in hefty denial. I would have the most horrific, most vivid visions of gruesome things happening to Margot. These intrusive thoughts would just occur randomly throughout the day, sparking my need to protect her and shield her from all kinds of "danger" even more than I was. I was paralyzed with fear. I lived in absolute terror of anything happening to my baby. I'd be taking a walk and suddenly be convinced that we would be hit by a car, struck by a rogue tree branch, terrorists would appear and steal me away from my baby- the worst and most violent, horrifying things could and would plaque my mind at any given moment. I sometimes felt as though I couldn't breathe and my heart would be pounding out of my chest.
I also lived with a tremendous amount of guilt. Nothing I did ever seemed to be right or even enough. I started imposing very strict rules, restrictions and demands on myself with regard to Margot. I felt (real or imagined) pressure to comply to some unknown, unspoken, yet incredibly high standard of motherhood that was crushing and impossible to achieve! I was convinced that I would fail completely as a mother if I ever made a mistake of any kind. I was rigid, anxious and totally freaked out most of the time. I saw and heard everything through this warped lens of guilt and shame and fear.
I acquiesced to my doctor's concerns and saw my primary care physician to get a second opinion. It was determined that yes, in fact, I had PPD and also a thyroid condition, competing for my already raging and out of control hormones.
I was a mess.
I declined many offers to medicate because I was nursing Margot and no one could tell me with any certainty that the meds wouldn't affect her. I sought out counseling, instead. I started seeing a wonderful woman whom a dear friend recommended. I was very nervous about seeing a counselor of any kind- I felt that there was a stigma about depression and being a Christian- that it was somehow mutually exclusive. My fears, doubts, guilts and OCDs had tainted every aspect of my life, and my faith wasn't exempt from depression. I felt very alone, isolated, and forgotten, even in the midst of a loving God, husband, family and friends.
My counselor had some hard work in store for me, but first she went to the root of my issues: fear. She gently and patiently counseled me from the Gospel, reminding me that I was fully loved and accepted by God, through Jesus' death and resurrection and that nothing I could do would ever change His love for me. That was huge in my process. It changed my entire perspective on who I am, and how because of the cross, I am free- free to make mistakes as a mother without the whole world crashing down, free to parent and raise my children how Joel and I feel is best without fearing what others think and free to actually live, without guilt! I can't even describe the incredible lightness I started feeling when I heard that. I let those words and that reality penetrate my heart and soul and it was like balm over a gaping, open wound.
Much of my therapy has been centered on reclaiming my identity in Christ. I have felt so much unspoken (and sometime loudly shouted) pressure about being a mother that I have to remind myself that yes, while I am a mother and being a mom is my life, it is not what determines my worth or my standing before God. I have realized I can't compare myself or compete with others; I can't control every aspect of our lives and most importantly, I need God's grace, wisdom and provision everyday.
I still feel twinges of PPD/OCD/Anxiety at times, but it is nothing compared to the crushing weight that it was before. I also have many tools and resources now to help me cope with the small flashes of panic I struggle with from time to time. I also still see my counselor. Her help and guidance have been invaluable to me and our family and we are so thankful for her. Joel and I had our third baby, Evan, in September and for the first time, I've had a normal postpartum recovery.
PPD is no joke and I highly encourage any mommas who might be struggling to please, please, please see someone. There are so many resources available online and through most hospitals, mother's groups and churches now. There is no need to suffer or to feel alone. My email is [email protected] and I am always available if anyone needs to talk or needs support with PPD.
*During my time in counseling, we discovered that I most likely had PPD with my oldest daughter, Lily, but that it went undetected and so I was never treated for it.
Wow, Joanna--thanks for sharing! I can certainly relate to what you went through, as I also had those kind of terrifying intrusive thoughts. Thanks for showing us an example of someone who was able to make it through without medication! That's amazing! I know you put in a lot of hard work--and grew in your faith because of it!
By the way, PLEASE check out Joanna's blog--it's super cute!
Do you want to talk about your struggle with mental illness of any kind and help end the stigma? I'm taking submissions for blog posts that talk about any kind of mental illness and how you are dealing with it--the more we can bring this issue to light and stop hiding from it, the more we can help each other!
Send me an email at [email protected]
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