Blogging About Feelings Like It’s 2002.

I’m having so many feelings right now and I’m going to take it old school and write through the feelings.

Just three months ago, I had a really good job that I loved very much. I got a good employee review and felt like I would have that job for a long time! They valued my work and I had been there since pretty much the beginning. My job was secure and I felt so blessed! But, it turns out that I was very wrong about everything and didn’t know anything.

I literally fell to the floor in shock when I got that call because what was I going to do? My family depended on my income to pay the bills and buy the food and OH MY GOD MY LIFE WAS OVER. We had just moved into a house that I loved and we were about to pay off our car and finally buy a new car for my husband (he’s driving the same care we bought in 1995) and so many other things! And then with that one phone call, everything changed. I didn’t know how we were going to survive.

I cried a lot for days. I didn’t sleep much for weeks. I gained 10 pounds from stress eating at 2am. I was angry, confused, hurt… I was devastated.

Even though I was upset, I tried very hard to conduct myself in a professional matter. I didn’t want to say anything that I would regret or behave in a way that would be detrimental to my future. It wasn’t easy, but I tried to “put on a happy face.” I was determined to make the best out of a terrible situation. I had to make a conscience decision every day to not let bitterness consume me.

After a few weeks of crying, worrying, just generally being a hot mess of a human being, I began to feel normal again. I began to feel relieved to have more time to spend with my family, to be creative again. I began to feel hopeful about my future! The lack of money was hard to deal with, but the important things were getting paid and my kids were clothed, fed and still had a roof over their head. I chose to be thankful for what I had instead of what I lost.

I was moving on and learning to adjust to my new normal.

But something happened today and I suddenly feel a giant cloud of gloom and sadness looming over me. I’ve tried not to think about the holidays and all of the stress that will come with it because I’m unemployed, but I can’t pretend it’s not going to happen. I know we will be okay, it’s not the end of the world. We will make the best out of the situation. But I also know that there will be moments of suck and well, UGH.

I don’t want to be a bitter person who dwells on the past. But right now? In this very moment? I am a bitter person who is dwelling on the past.