Breastfeeding: The End

For the past nineteen months Berlin and I have enjoyed the same routine every night; bath, nurse, books, then bed. But early last week our routine suddenly changed. As I prepared to nurse Berlin, I lifted my blouse, and without hesitation she instantly pulled it back down. She then stuck the pacifier in her mouth, turned the opposite direction and cuddled up to me to read a book; and just like that we were done nursing.

In all honesty I was hoping it would happen this way, and I was wishing the time would come soon. For months I had battled the weaning process; reading books and blogs on how to wean and discussing it with my fellow nursing mothers, but despite my best efforts there was little weaning done.

There were times when it seemed I was having success, we would drop down from six to four nursings a day, sometimes even as low as three, but then just like that, we were back up to six plus times a day. Admittedly so I wasn’t as strict about the process as maybe I should have been (I mean obviously or her feedings wouldn’t keep increasing as they did), but due to her slow weight gain I felt tremendous guilt not giving her the added nutrition she needed. So I continued on, allowing her to nurse as often as she liked, whether it be two or even eight times a day. This roller coaster of feedings went on for several months (you can only imagine how sore my boobs were from this constant flux of supply), until nearly two months ago when I successfully got her down to three times a day; morning, noon and night. At that point I was perfectly satisfied with the number of daily feedings and felt less pressure to wean her. I began to trust in the natural weaning process and was more than confident that she would begin to wean herself as she was ready.

Admittedly I was yearning for my independence and the feeling of owning my total body again, but it was still a shock that she weaned so suddenly. I’m thrilled she did so on her own terms, without any pressure from me, but I still feel a sense of sadness knowing I will never nurse her again. But alas, I’m sure this holds true for all nursing mothers and I’m confident that down the road I’ll be nursing another.

For now I’m so proud of both Berlin and I for having made it through a year and a half plus and I’m beyond grateful for the beautiful end to our journey; a self-weaned, satisfied baby with little pain and no depression on my behalf. I have to say, it was a perfect ending.