on death

By now a lot of you have heard about the passing of radio personality Kidd Kraddick. If you never had the opportunity to listen to him then you really missed out on some quality entertainment. I learned of his passing Sunday morning as we were heading back home from our trip to the beach. It was a little surprising; he seemed so healthy and youthful and energetic. His passing has had an odd effect on me. Not because I knew him or even really felt like I knew him, but because the coroner in Louisiana stated the cause of death as "Cardiac Disease."
Something I don't really talk about is that in 2011 I was in the emergency room twice in one week for issues with my heart. Later that month after many tests and seeing a few different doctors, it was decided that I have Supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). It is generally not life threatening, but can become complicated when there are other factors. It can also affect the way your heart functions if you have prolonged, untreated "episodes." My father also had SVT and he ended up having to have a surgical procedure to close what was basically a hole in his heart. My case is not as severe as my fathers was and is easily treated with a daily pill. (My dad is totally fine now.)

My dad and step-mom with Emily.

I don't really want to go into every little detail of what happened and how I was diagnosed and treated. What I want to talk about is how insanely scary it is to feel like you might die. You may think I sound dramatic and that's okay. I tend to be dramatic sometimes.
Since the day I found out I have a heart problem, I've tried really hard to "take it easy." I don't drink very often any more. I am terrified of going anywhere alone because I worry I'll have an "episode." I've become a lot less sociable than I used to be. I don't spend a lot of time doing outdoor activities because if I get too hot it causes my heart rate to increase a lot. Weird, yes, but it happens every time. I just don't take any chances on anything. Every little weird feeling gives me a small panic attack because what if my heart just stops and then it's lights out for ol' Amy.
Like I said, SVT isn't generally life threatening. But like I also said, I'm dramatic.
It's so incredibly terrifying to feel like I'm going to die before I do all the things I need to do and see all the things I need to see. I have a crazy need to do everything and have everything I want RIGHT NOW. I feel like there are a million and one things I still need to do and I don't want to miss out on the chance to do them.
Let me tell you folks, this is no way to live. It just isn't.