New Year, New Life?

I’ve never been one for resolutions. I’m an introspective person, and I’m always trying to figure out what’s “right” and what’s “best” and modifying my behavior accordingly. I mean, I’m not perfect: I’m not always successful. I don’t just fold my arms and blink my eyes and make it so. I am, after all, still 20 fucking pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, and we all know there is just no excuse for that.

I’m also not a dreamer — well, in the sense that I think that something would be great to do “one day.” I want to learn how to play the guitar? Boom. Done. I want to write a book? Boom. Done. I want to travel more? Boom. Trip booked.

After having a baby, it’s not so much a “boom” as it is a slow crawl, but I still get it done.

With everything so in flux right now, I don’t know what I want to do. For every desire, there is a conflicting desire.

I want to make my marriage work so that the last 14 years of my life did not mean nothing. Yet I also want a fresh start so I can finally lift the bell jar that has been stewing us both in our own sour air. I don’t know if that fresh start should be a makeover to our marriage or the end of it.

I want to raise my daughter in a home with both of her parents there every day. Yet I also want to protect her from the gripping and insidious consequences of growing up in an environment steeped in anger.

I want to continue building a life and a family together, strengthening our intimacy. Yet I also want to disengage.

I don’t know what the best decision is anymore. I used to be so certain about everything. The answers used to be so clear. I don’t know if I’ve lost a bit of myself over the years or if I’ve become more of the person I am meant to be, seeing more of the complexity and ambiguity in a situation, which allows for greater wisdom but also creates more doubt.

I guess if I have to have any resolution — regardless of whether it is the new year or not — it is to just say no once and for all to all the bullshit that has been pulling me down these past several years. I broke the cycle with my own family, but I continued it in other ways with the choices I made. I’m not going to allow it to continue to happen in my relationship, in my friendships or in the relationships I have with my in-laws or the family with whom I still have contact. I’ve already drawn some boundaries with those in that third circle (like my bat-shit crazy mother-in-law — hello stalker!), but I need to do it more with those who are close to me. I need to start saying no to the friendships that aren’t serving me and that make me feel like I’m working for something that isn’t giving me a return. And there are a mountain of things that I need to say no to in my marriage. Hopefully, they can be replaced by far better things that can make us stronger so that we can create the kind of life for my daughter that I never had and maybe even continue to build our family. I don’t know what will happen, and a week ago, I felt like there weren’t any options, but I’m beginning to hope that there can be real change in this new year.

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