Ask Jenny: The whole truth

Dear Jenny,

I’m a 29-year-old woman who has battled breast cancer twice. I had lumpectomies in both breasts, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and I’m now on hormone therapy for the next five years.

I was in an eight-year relationship, but he left me right after my second diagnosis because of the surgeries and my inability to have kids. It took a while, but now I’m emotionally ready to meet someone. Unfortunately, surgeries left me with scars, hormone therapy made me put on 50 pounds (and stretch marks) and my hair is short due to chemo. I’ve been on a couple of dates, and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want pity, and it’s not like I want to say, “We just met, but just so you know, my breasts have scars and I can’t have kids!” Yet I feel I should say something so they don’t waste their time if they can’t handle it. Any advice on how to manage dating as a cancer survivor?

—Warrior in pink

Jenny says: First of all, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, and I’d also like to congratulate you on getting to this place. You’ve survived the treatment of breast cancer, and that indeed makes you a warrior! Because I haven’t walked in your shoes, I can only offer suggestions based on how I hope I would handle the situation.

Start by making the decision to be comfortable with who you are, as there is nothing more powerful than a woman comfortable in her own skin. Try to find gratitude in your body, for all it endures to keep you in this life. Make it a daily practice to focus on all the positive attributes you possess, and stop negative banter inside your head. Anytime you start to hear the negativity, stop and smile. It might sound crazy, but there’s a chemical reaction that takes place in your body when you smile, even if you don’t mean it. With a little practice, you can train yourself to actually feel that shift. It’s quite powerful.

Also, congratulations on the other putz leaving, as I imagine he saved you from a lifetime of his not being there when you needed him. I don’t personally feel this information is important for you to put out there on the first date, but if you do, don’t be afraid of that conversation. I think your date can only be expected to be as comfortable with it as you are, so find your comfort zone and try to stay there. If it doesn’t flow on the first date, and you’re both interested in seeing each other again, I don’t think he would blame you for getting to the second or third date before bringing it up. It’s your way of screening him to be sure he’s worthy of the information. The right guy won’t run, and I believe when you find that guy, you’ll know it. I’m proud of you for getting back out there. Be patient, be gentle with yourself in the process and trust you’re worthy of love, because you are.