The Truth About Your Dick Pic

I’m not delusional. I am fully aware that you, Dear Reader, are most likely a woman in your 20s or 30s, a gay man, or a member of my family. (Hi, Mom! You probably should stop reading now.) Today’s post may not speak directly to your behavior as to the single, heterosexual men in your life. Also, welcome to the three dudes who stumbled across this when my bestie left my website open on a random public computer. (Thanks, Claire!)

So, Three Dudes, I know you are proud of your penis. That’s great! I’m all about #bodypositivity.

The penis can be sort of freaky, though. Some might even say ugly. Especially when presented to someone unprovoked. You do realize that whipping out the D in public would be grounds for a felony charge, right? Putting your wiener on a phone makes flashing no less icky.

My friend, Serena*, broke up with her boyfriend. It’s worth noting that when I say broke up, I mean she was cheated on and dumped. Years later, this ex of hers reached out to apologize.

It’s a classic story, really. Boy meets girl. Boy screws girl over, Boy begs for forgiveness. Boy sends pictures of his penis.

You’re probably asking yourself a few questions now, so here are the answers: no, they are not back together; no, they do not hook up; no, Serena did not ask for a picture or 20 of his penis flaccid, erect, or at half mast. No, they were not sexting. No, they were not innocently flirting. No, this was not prompted in any way.

The man just decided to send a dick pic.

Over and over again. Repeatedly. Constantly, Ten shots at multiple angles within 20 minutes. (How close of a friend must you have to get some of these pictures anyway, guys? Are you using a Selfie Stick?) This does not turn Serena on. It doesn’t make her want to run back into his arms, forgive him, or screw his brains out.

Using your penile self-portrait as a chick magnet is even less effective when sent to someone who hasn’t actually seen your penis yet. Women don’t get turned on by pictures of your junk alone. You may feel shocked by this news. You probably should not be.

I know women who have never even seen their long-term partner’s penis.

My single friends, on the other hand, have seen more penises than they’ve touched thanks to men they haven’t even met. Hiding in half the dating profiles we’re matched with is a dick either literally or figuratively – often both. Be careful letting your cousin’s kid play with your phone! You do not want to be her reason parents have that talk.

Men have a great thing going down there – each straight woman digs it in her own way – but we make decisions about who they want to sleep with based on what’s attached to the penis. You know, like a great sense of humor, kind smile, and abs you could wash clothes on.

Ladies, weigh in! Do you like a dick pic? There is an exception to every rule…

*Not her real name. Note to self: your friends will choose very dramatic ALBG aliases should you ask.