The Bachelor Recap {Chris Soules – Episode 2}
Sorry — that was awful. But whatever. I mean… I feel like we need a name. And Bachelor Babes is as good as any.
Plus sometimes it’s nice to have someone call you a babe.
Last night’s episode was full of crazy. Literally. Like there are actual crazy people on the show. And not cute, zany, “she makes me feel young” crazy. I’m talking make you dress up in baby doll clothes and throw you in a well where they keep you as a pet crazy.
Let’s get started:
We open at end of last week’s rose ceremony where Kimberly ( the booted contestant) walked away from her post show interview and went back in the mansion. Am I the only one wondering why no one stopped her? That just seems a little awkward for Chris. I’ve noticed that The Bachelor crew has a way of feigning helplessness, like oh wow..this woman is just slipping right by us and we are helpless to stop her. I mean good grief, these women weigh like twelve pounds. You could probably get the job done by knocking them on the head with a feather.
Kimberly pulls Chris aside, shaking and upset. She tells him that she feels like she was meant to meet him and she just can’t let this opportunity pass. She truly believes that he’s in her life for a reason. I’m thinking well honey, that reason is becoming You Getting Embarrassed On National Television.
Chris Soules finds Chris Harrison and talks to him privately. He’s torn — he feels bad for her and wants to give her a chance, but is it fair to the other women. Chris H just kinda shrugs and says, “do whatever you want”. Honestly, ABC needs to have a talk with him. If you’re getting paid the big bucks, you should really have an action plan in place and maybe put some verbs in your sentences. Lame, Chris Harrison. Just lame.
Chris S and Kimberly return to the women at the cocktail party holding hands. As the women sit in front of them, they gently break the news that Kimberly will be getting another chance. The girls applaud, which is totally fake, and I start worrying for Kimberly’s safety. There is seriously nothing more dangerous than a room full of angry women after they’ve had to pretend to be happy all night. Also, alcohol.
The next morning, Chris H. heads over to the mansion to talk to the women. He then informs them that Chris S. is living right down at the end of their driveway, suggests that they head over any time they need to “borrow eggs”, and reiterates that this season there are NO RULES. I mean…this is a bunny boil situation just waiting to happen. NO RULES?? It is at this point that I realize that after a zillion failed relationships in the history of the Bachelor, Juan Pablo/Nikki and Andi/Josh have done Chris Harrison in. He has officially thrown his hands in the air and is going to take the whole franchise down with him in spectacular fashion.
After reiterating that the Bachelor is living right down the driveway, Chris H leaves the very first date card.
The date card is addressed to: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, MacKenzie, Kimberly, and Tara and says “Show me your country”. Of course, the women are not pleased that Kimberly got on the date card, but I’m assuming it’s so he can decide if she’s worth keeping.
The date starts at the pool of a rooftop hotel in Hollywood. Like every season, I take a moment to silently pray that one day I will see a contestant who looks like a real human being when she wears a bikini. For the love, can we just get a stretch mark or something?
Back at the mansion, Megan and Jillian take advantage of Chris’ absence by heading over to his house. They unapologetically say that they are taking advantage of No Rules policy (touche, Chris Harrision. Touche). Both Megan and Jillian are wearing bikinis, but curiously, a black sensor rectangle is placed over both the front and back of Jillian’s swimsuit. For several minutes, it’s all I can think about. What is going on with her swimsuit bottom? What is hanging out? Why do I care so much???
Back on the date, the group leaves the hotel and begins walking down the Hollywood sidewalk in their swimsuits. They eventually turn a corner and see a group of tractors, where they will be having a tractor race. Tara immediately gets excited, assuming she’s got it in the bag. Yes,Tara…you wore flannel and cowboy boots on the first night, so of course you’ll win the tractor race. If I lived by the “You Are What You Wear” theory, I’d be a yoga instructor instead of a housewife who hates regular pants.
In a fabulously serendipitous moment, Tara the Cowboy loses to Ashley I, the Kim Kardashian look alike. It’s seriously the best thing that could have happened, until Ashley ends up on Chris’ lap and I want to vomit. Surely they aren’t going to be a thing, are they??
Thankfully, it doesn’t last long. Chris and Ashley I. head back to group, and Chris tells them that he will spend the rest of the evening on a one-on-one date. Shockingly, he chooses McKenzie the 21 year old who looks 12.The girls head back to the mansion feeling sad and confused, while I wonder if he brought enough tokens to take McKenzie to Chuck E. Cheese.
Chris and McKenzie head to dinner. He says he chose her because they have chemistry. I’m honestly in shock. He DOES know that she’s 12, correct? Is he maybe thinking of adopting her? I am seriously so confused.
The date seems to go well — McKenzie has a funny personality, picking on his appearance and asking if he believes in aliens. Chris thinks that this is a red flag, sadly…I do not. I guess McKenzie and I have something in common after all. The date goes well — McKenzie tells Chris that she has a son and he takes it in stride, saying that he’s 33 and kids don’t scare him. I can see how the girls fall for him so easily — he’s sweet, complimentary and attentive. At this point, my husband asks why I’m packing my bags and looking up Bachelor Mansion Driveway House on my Google map.
The next date card arrives at the mansion addressed to Megan. It reads, “Love is a Natural Wonder”. Megan shrugs it off, thinking it’s a love note and not a date card. She might not be the sharpest tool in the Bachelor toolbox, just saying.
The next day, McKenzie helps Megan prepare for her date by telling the house all about her kisses with Chris on her date the night before. Apparently she was counting and apparently there were FIVE.
I. Am. Dying. What is he thinking? I also find it curious that Chris chose Megan for his first real one-on-one date and not front runners Britt or Whitney. Maybe I don’t know him as well as I think I do. What happened to us, Chris? How did we grow so far apart?
Chris arrives to pick up Megan and they end up riding a helicopter over the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. They land in the Grand Canyon, where they sip champagne and kiss and ignore a giant bowl of fruit that is sitting between them. Come on, people — when someone takes the time to cut up fruit for you, you should really eat it.
Megan opens up to Chris and tells him about the passing of her dad during her Bachelor casting. They connect, they kiss, she proclaims it the best day of her life.
Another group date card arrives at the mansion addressed to: Kelsie, Trina, Alyssa, Traci, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashely S. Julia, Kaitlyn, Britt. It reads, “Till death do us part”.
The women head out for their group date in the evening. It’s dark and they are seemingly in the middle of nowhere. People dressed like zombies start scaring them, the women scream and tackle each other…and I’m thinking that this is a great spin off idea for a whole other show. Chris S finally shows up and tells the women that they will be shooting zombies with paintball guns.
It is at this point that something in Ashley S. seems to snap. Her eyes glaze over as she becomes intent on shooting anything in her path. It’s pretty obvious that she’s a serial killer when she’s not moonlighting as a Bachelor contestant. Should she really be living on the same property as Chris? Maybe I should come to help protect him? My husband asks why I’m adding candles, a Barry White CD and pepper spray to my packed bag.
Back at the house, the women are doing facials except for Jordan who has decided that drunken twerking is more her style. She then tells us that Jillian has the hairiest butt in the entire world. Wait — is that what the black censor box over her bikini was about? I find myself obsessing about that censor box again.
Back on the group date, Ashley S is still psychotic. Kaitlyn and Chris have one on one time, and she’s surprisingly fun and normal. They connect, they kiss…it seems to be a trend already this season.
Ashley S wandering all around…making no sense. I find myself realizing that Kaitlyn is my spirit animal. Her hilarious commentary is spot on and cracking me up.
Ashley S decides that it’s her turn for one-on-one time with Chris. The girls are worried that it’s not a good idea, but I disagree – it’s definitely the best idea all night. Ashley Cray Cray wanders around with Chris, asking him nonsensical questions. For his part, Chris is surprisingly understanding and patient. Note to self: Chris would never tell you that you aren’t “thinking clearly” while using air quotes when you are on your period. My husband now asks while I’m giving him a dirty look.
Britt begins to worry that Chris’ love for her is being forgotten in the whirlwind of Ashley S. crazy. She snags Chris for some alone time, they kiss…but her reassurance is short lived when the group date rose goes to Kaitlyn.
The following night is the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony. As per usual, the women stress out, desperately vying for last minute affections before roses are handed out.
Whitney pulls Chris outside where she has set up a mini date for the two of them. She’s got his favorite Iowa whiskey on hand, which is actually kind of cute. She’s definitely going to go far this season.
During a conversation with McKenzie, Ashley I. reveals that she’s never had a boyfriend and is a virgin. McKenzie is crazy jealous. I’m wondering — does this mean that Ashley I. makes it to the fantasy suite? Is she the virgin Chris H. referred to last week? If so, boo for spoilers. But also boo because she’s not my favorite. McKenzie tells Ashley that her virginity is pure gold — Chris will love it, so she needs to tell him as soon as possible. Ashley then pulls Chris aside, but instead of revealing her virginity, she asks him to rub her bellybutton ring and make a wish.
I can’t even make this up. To make things worse, he actually does it and wishes to kiss her. They proceed to full on make-out, while the other girls stalk them and whisper. I am so disturbed and so is Britt, who begins to cry. She’s obviously not going to make it to the end this season — the emotional ones never do.
After seeing all the kissing going on, drunk Jordan decides to attempt to get one of her own. Chris smoothly denies her, then heads to the Rose Ceremony.
Roses are given to:
Britt
Tara
Ashley I.
Kelsey
Samantha
He calls Julia, but Jillian misunderstands and goes forward and almost falls on her butt.
Amber
Traci
Jillian
Jade
Nikki
Becca
Whitney
Ashley S – WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. Crazy eyes made it in. I don’t even understand.
Sent home is: Tara, Jordan, some girl I don’t recognize, Kimberly, and the flight attendant.
Tara is about to have a meltdown because crazy Ashley was chosen over her. She cries, saying it will haunt her for the rest of her life, but I keep thinking that she was the drunk girl last week who watched a few normal ones go home. What goes around comes around, lovey.
The preview for next week shows Jimmy Kimmel sneaking in and getting Chris Soules up out of bed. I’ll be watching!
The post The Bachelor Recap {Chris Soules – Episode 2} appeared first on Confessions of a Cookbook Queen.
