SO CLOSE, YET SO VERY FAR

It’s time to say good riddance to the past.

I had grand plans for DARK VICE this year and I have yet again, regrettably, neglected the blog for the first quarter of 2014. But I needed this time. You see, at some point, in the last three years, I lost myself – almost entirely. I’m currently in the process of finding myself again.

I’m not sure how to type this post. I was in a relationship for a pretty long time, for the entire duration of my 20s thus far, actually. Now I’m not, and I feel lost. Not lost in an isolated, OH MY GAWD I FEEL SO ALONE sense, no, I lost myself.

You make me lose my buttons, oh yeah you make me spit,
I don’t like my clothes anymore.

For the last three and a half years, I spent time learning to suppress myself. I altered who I was to please another person. I focused on achieving happiness for someone else instead of myself. In the process, I forgot who I was. Now I’m left wondering what I have become. I have spent the last few months rediscovering who the hell I am. Aspects of my personality that laid dormant for three years have been reactivated. I feel energised, yet drained simultaneously. This feeling spreads all the way to my clothing. I stare at my wardrobe, only to despise half of it. I altered every single part of me in an attempt to conform to someone else’s ideals. I changed my behaviour and I altered the way I presented myself. Now, I look at my possessions with contempt and dissatisfaction.

I guess the good news is that I’m going to have a MASSIVE eBay sale soon with a lot of brand new items.

Yes… I spent more than THREE years slowly conforming. My actions went against everything I stand for, and in retrospect, none of it was even worth it – not even close. I gave everything and received nothing. I feel disgusted at myself. I feel ashamed and embarrassed but I also feel enlightened. I have learnt from the myriad of mistakes I made.

One must always stay true to oneself. I will never alter myself to please anyone ever again. No, I am not going to wear baby pink lip gloss because someone thinks dark lipstick makes my face look too ‘drawn in’. I am not going to avoid wearing ‘crazy’ shoes because someone else can not handle the attention they draw. Never, ever, EVER again.

I feel this overwhelming sense of disappointment in myself, for allowing my own self to disappear, for allowing my self to slowly fade. I hate that I allowed myself to be treated so harshly. This feeling of disappointment is so overwhelming, I can’t describe it in words, it’s like a powerful wave of anger that has repeatedly crushed my weak spirit.

BUT, that was then. This is now. Whatever now is…

I feel liberated and things are changing, for the better. There are some exciting, new things happening that I look forward to eventually sharing. Until then, to anyone still reading this ignored blog, thanks for being part of this strange existence I happen to have. Some of the followers of this blog are truly wonderful people and I genuinely hope you are all well.

P.S Hopefully the images in this post didn’t freak you out too much. They are my visual representation of how detached I have felt from myself lately, hopefully I find myself again… soon.

Until the next post, which I hope will be fairly soon, laters.