Welcome, dear readers, to the Superbowl of self-congratulatory superstars!
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
No one even came close to beating out Lupita for best-dressed. Covered in over 6,000 pearls (for real), I gasped when she stepped onto the carpet, and I haven’t stopped drooling since. We need a close-up to really appreciate how exquisite the detailing is:
Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty
I’m crying. I’m just full-on crying at how beautiful she is. While we’re at it, let’s get the back view:
Photo: David Fisher/Rex
Sporty and surprising and all-around delightful. This is Calvin Klein’s greatest work in decades.
Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage
I don’t always love white at major red carpet events, as it tends to be a common choice. But of all the things you could call Marion, “common” is not one of them. This was somehow precious and badass and simple and daring all t the same time. But the back was much more divisive:
Photo: Matt Sayles/Invision/AP
I can think of a million reasons why I should hate it. Primary amongst them is that no one should come to the Oscars wearing a shower curtain full of farts. The logical part of my brain understands this. But I think Marion is just magnificent – and more importantly, French – enough to pull this off. And at least the girl took a fucking risk, unlike most of the conservatively-dressed attendees. Nearly every star chose the least offensive look possible, which also tend to be the least interesting looks, resulting in a red carpet almost as boring and humorless as the show itself.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
All of Hollywood’s stylists gathered together last week to discuss their plot to force every star alive into a statement necklace so gigantic, it would take over the universe. In fact, all the necklaces were supposed to morph into one super-being and destroy the planet if Julianne Moore didn’t finally win Best Actress. But Zoe somehow escaped the negative effects of this evil plan, in a stunning chandelier-like necklace that only elevated her already-romantic gown. The dress is actually a little on the plain side for Zoe, but her new curves make it feel inspired. Motherhood looks so unfairly beautiful on her, doesn’t it?
Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage
Who did Adam Levine blow so that Behati could get her hands on this Armani Privé gown? I can’t even properly voice how angry I am that Cate Blanchett didn’t score this dress first. These two are kind of the worst, but my GOD, what a gown.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
I wish the vest were just a few shades darker, to match the rest of his suit (or even darker than that), but GOD BLESS DAVID OYELOWO. Boy BROUGHT IT. Color, fit, shoes – all perfect. Step aside, Eddie Redmayne- David is my new man to watch on the red carpet.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
Simple yet lovely. In any other color, I might have forgotten about this entirely, but that canary yellow is a joy on Jennifer. Any dress that isn’t black, white, red, or metallic gets a few points, because they’re so rare at this event. And the perfect fit certainly doesn’t hurt.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
OBSESSED with that navy velvet tuxedo jacket.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
She’s stunning, the silhouette is wonderful, the color pops, her bod is insane, and the necklace is perfect. So why do I not even remember seeing this dress on the red carpet? It’s actually pretty interesting, but something about it wasn’t quite magical enough for me.
Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage
I’m not crazy about the skirt, but the rest of the silhouette is fantastic. Love the earrings.
Photo: Jeff Vespa/WireImage
It’s easily the best thing she’s worn all awards season, which means absolutely nothing, because she has been a HOT MESS for weeks now. The styling doesn’t really work at all, but at least Rosamund finally managed to get her hands on a decent dress.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
Remember when Meryl went apeshit over Patricia Arquette’s equal pay speech and won the entire Oscars with her reaction? That was fun.
Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage
These two are so goddamn cute, they look like they should be on top of a wedding cake.
Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage
Listen, Keira. I know you love a whimsical, ethereal vibe. But looking like you ACTUALLY ARE A WOODLAND NYMPH may be taking things just a step too far.
Photo: Getty
I love the sassy swoop to that shoulder – worthy of a woman this awesome. The rest of the look is underwhelming, though, and the hair is downright awful.
Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage
Your giant-ass world-dominating statement necklace should not be partially covered by, or covering, your dress. If the neckline is high enough to touch the necklace, you don’t need to wear a cool half-million around your neck, for God’s sake. Also: there’s no color that looks bad on Viola Davis, but I wish she’d worn this in a bright yellow or orange. This shade is just depressing.
Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage
Nothing exciting here, but he’s nice to look at.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
What’s the point in a dress this detailed if you can’t see the fucking details because of the color? Rookie mistake, Sienna. Also, I love your eyeliner.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
These two look like they smell like Axe body spray.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
This was one of the biggest disappointments of the night for me. I have come to rely on Felicity Jones for serving up her particular brand of modern Audrey Hepburn style, but this is just a medieval nightmare. That giant, tortured, shiny skirt is impossible to look away from, and the shape of the bodice doesn’t do anything for her.
Photo: Jim Smeal/BEImages
Never half-ass a 1920s outfit, or you’ll just end up looking like you’re wearing fancy pajamas and too much lipstick.
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
I love prints (and pockets) at formal events, but Chloë looks like she’s wearing the upholstery from your grandma’s favorite rocking chair.
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
BUT REALLY, AREN’T WE AS A NATION OVER THESE FUCKING FISHTAIL GOWNS ALREADY?
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
I actually hate every single detail of Chrissy’s outfit. I’m impressed – usually even a judgmental bitch like me can find SOME positive straw to grasp at. But no. Not today.
Photo: Kevin Winter/Getty
Jersey Shore Nightclub Owner Matthew McConaughey is my least favorite Matthew McConaughey.
Photo: Jeff Vespa/WireImage
Is this gown actually worse than Matthew McConaughey’s face or Chrissy Teigen’s everything? Probably not. But it’s Gwyneth, and there’s not a person on earth who needs a reality check worse than her. So, Gwyn, let me tell you: this color should not be worn on anyone over the age of four, that shoulder-flower is sloppy and awkward, and even a woman as privileged as you cannot pull off those earrings.
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© Democracy Diva, 2015.
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