This Only Works If You Don't Talk About It*

Mise-en-scène: Scott and Kristin are sitting on the well-used, green couch in the front room. They've been there so long that their derrieres have left distinct indents in the cushions. The dregs of a nice Rioja are pooled at the bottom of Italian tumblers. Ratatouille plays in the background. The kid is at a party in Riverdale. The kitchen is clean. It's 11:01 pm, Dec. 31.

Kristin: Lord, this evening is interminable! You know what? Seriously, we could just decide to call it midnight right now. We could pretend it's midnight and have a toast and then just go to sleep. We can use up that last inch of the Rioja.

Scott: Wanna get the Prosecco?

Kristin: I'm not opening a whole bottle of Prosecco for half a glass when I'm not going to drink the rest tomorrow. Not to mention hand-washing those flutes. I am so done with cleaning in 2014. What do you think, toast now with the Rioja? No shame cuz we can tell people we truly rang in the new year, legit-style! Where is it actually midnight now? Sydney?

Scott: Bermuda. It was midnight in Sydney at 10am. We could do that - if I were vaguely sleepy. (Scott puts his insufferable ironic voice to good effect.)

Kristin: What's wrong with you? Who eats a pound of brie and a loaf of bread and isn't sleepy? And Bermuda is very civilized. You know that's where Michael Douglas spends half the year... (How Kristin knows this is somewhat baffling. Blame it on misspent youth spent watching Entertainment Tonight.) The genius part is that no one will ever have to know!

*And if both parties agree.

I'll let you guess how this plays out...